Fear, Grabbit & Runne

The Scottish Scaremonger 

in association with 

Fear, Grabbit & Runne

Specialist Estate Agency

We have been instructed  in confidence by a number of clients to discretely arrange the  future disposal of a number of assets including but not limited to;

• Scorched Earth Plots
• Former Domestic First or Second Homes
• Commercial Headquarters Buildings 
• Used Infrastructure Equipment (drilling platforms, submarine berths, Military encampments)
• Various Palaces and Castles 

 All are offered with vacant possession form 19th September 2014
Your Homeless Report paid

All enquiries will dealt with in the strictest confidence unless publicity is deemed useful by our clients

Contact;
Fear, Grabbit & Runne
1 Black Hole,
London SW1 2FU

The Gordon Brown Big Book of Cunning Plans

For Thinkers...who have been thinking very hard.

For Dreamers...who haven't really woken up.

For International Statesmen...who really, really should get more respect.

For Everyone...who hasn't really been paying attention.

The Gordon Brown Big Book of Cunning Plans is packed full of ideas that the ex-PM has been thinking about for almost a whole morning. Ideas which will capture the imagination of everyone who has not started to think for themselves yet. Ideas which have virtually zero chance of being implemented by the Westminster Parliament but which might convince voters that there is some reason to vote No .

Great Ideas such as;

• More sort-of powers for Holyrood
• Invisibility Cloaks for MP's
• Maybe some more powers for the Scottish Parliament
• A fleet of spaceships built by apprentices at Rosyth to bring cheese back from the Moon to stock Scotland's food banks.
• Some magic beans which the kids will love.
• A MagLev railway line running under the Atlantic from Manhattan to North Queensferry to improve traffic in "distinguished leaders" between Scotland and the USA.
• A big carpetbag full of things  like Mary Poppins has.

Special Pre-Order Offer: order your copy of the The Gordon Brown Big Book of Cunning Plans today and get a free Gordon Brown _"T-Shirt-O-Cloth" the amazing all-in-one household cleaning aid and  Fashion accessory! "It's looks like a dreary old cleaning rag - and it is!"

Who's Who Who Has Cash

A brilliant new addition to the Scaremonger "Essential Reference" range!

Who's Who Who Has Cash

We all know that fund raising can be a chore but this essential volume will take the hard work out of stinging strangers for cash.  With only the most wealthy and most credulous listed you'll be able to soak up plenty from people who just haven't bothered to think about what they're giving the money for.

One simple letter carefully written to push the prejudice buttons of our carefully selected target audience is almost guaranteed to deliver results.  "Who's Who Who Has Cash" includes a handy index of template please for cash to help you out'

Begging letter tempates include;

• Save Eastenders from the Cybernats who want it banned in Scotland
• Don't let John Swinney steal our pounds and give us groats
• Did you know that the Scottish Government wants to make Alex Salmond President for Life?
• Without your donation to defeat separatism Scotland could end up as poor as Norway
• Thousands of Better Together activists are being forced to stay home due to a lack of funds.

Pre-order your copy of "Who's Who Who Has Cash" today and turn the tide.

The "Lamont" OverSpeaker Bullhorn

Tired of the endless "back-and-forth" of normal debating?
 
Think old fashioned Q&A formats have had their day?
 
Big fan of Phil Spector and his "Wall of Noise"?
 
You need our exclusive Scaremonger  "Lamont" Debaters OverSpeaker  Bullhorn!
 
This useful handheld device will ensure that you can turn any discussion into a post-modern cacophony of unintelligible droning. Your opponents may know what's going on but others will only hear your unfocused wailing. An essential debating tool when under pressure.
 
The OverSpeaker  has arange of hi-tech features including;

One-click On-and-On button
"Full-On" one way Volume Control
"ToryTech" replicator loop system
"Out-of-Touch trackpad

As seen on TV !

"Astonishing" - "I'm Astonished" - "Astonishingly astonishing"
 
Order your OverSpeaker  today to ensure disappointment!

Scaremonger Opinion Poll

The Scaremonger Exclusive Opinion Poll

We are delighted to announce the launch of the first official  Scaremonger opinion poll. 

We know people are scared, but just how scared are they? Are they as scared as they should be? Or as scared as they could be?  Is there yet room to raise the fright bar a little higher.

You can cast your vote now in this scientifically based poll using the simple form on this page. The results of our exclusve poll will provide the definitive answer to the question that stalks the land;

How Scared Are You?

The poll will close at midnight on the 17th September and the complete results will be available shortly after.

The Big Book of Scares

A new edition of our ever popular manual of indy scares

More than 100 everyday scares to give your friends and family the fright of their lives.

Each scare laid out in an easy-to-misunderstand  format.

Totally bogus statistics included to support each scare.

Supportive quotes from "independent" academics.

Features the following infamous scares;

• rUk will bomb your airports!
• you'll be forced to join the Euro!
• mobile calls will cost more!
• you'll be flooded with immigrants!
• nobody will want to move here!
• everyone will leave!
• your pension will be shredded!
• the pandas will be recalled to China!
• you'll need a passport to visit England!
• it'll be an open door for immigrants to England!
• you'll be forced out of the EU!
• you'll be forced into the EU!
• there's no oil left!
• it doesn't belong to you anyway!
• Shetland will stay in UK!
• Shetland will declare independence!
• the Russians will steal all your fish!
• the Spanish will steal all your fish!
• you'll have to pay for a new Trident base in rUK!
• rUK will annexe Faslane!
• banks will flee!
• banks will stay and exploit poor regulation!
• universities will close!
• universities will be swamped rUK fee refugees!
• you'll be forced to charge university fees!
• no one will buy your surplus renewable energy!
• you'll have to buy nuclear generated energy from England!
• you won't have the pound!
• and many, many more!

The Big Book of Scares is an essential guide to the key independence debates and how to turn any discussion into a "stairhead rammy".

Demand is sure to be very high so be sure to pre-order today!

House of Lords Menu Cards

A new series of helpful menu suggestions for busy Lords and Ladies.

Based on the latest House of Lords restaurant menus these innovative menus will "elevate" you to new culinary heights.

No. 1

Starter: Thrawn Cocktail

Main course: Thin gruel.

Dessert: Humble Pie

No.2

Starter: Browned Off Windsor Soup

Main Course: Chump Steak

Dessert: Crab-Apple Dumplings

No.3

Starter: Old goat's cheese puffed up pie

Main course: Anes Ragout (Earl Haig's favourite) with extra gravy.

Dessert: Stuck-up toffy pudding

All the menu suggestion cards are presented on genuine vellum and have full recipe details on the reverse.