Thursday, 12 September 2013

The Poll-A-Rater

Fed up of commissioning opinion polls which come back with the “wrong” results?

Need a helpful opinion poll result to back up your scare stories?

Are your voters losing their fear of change?

You need our new “Poll-A-Rater”!

The “Poll-A-Rater” can deliver worrying data – instantly. Now you can have confidence shaking results designed to match your requirements. We use a series of carefully designed statistical weighting algorithms to ensure that you get the results you need.

With the “Poll-A-Rater” you’ll be able to back up your unsubstantiated falsehoods with apparently supportive data – reams of it!

You’ll be able to;

· confirm high levels of concern over imaginary problems

· detect low levels of confidence in the answers to unanswerable questions

· create hypothetical fears over tendentious propositions

· combine small worries into single overwhelming terrors

The“Poll-A-Rater” also comes complete with lots of complex tables which will help prove that your conclusions are fully supported by the data – whatever they are!

You can also upgrade to the Black is White executive package get even more misleading answers to the questions no one is asking.

Friday, 6 September 2013

Safety Equipment

The “Cochers” Positivity+ Meter

Instantly detects dangerous levels of positivity

Operates blindly across a range of positive indicators

Unique “Banshee” warning system

Early warning of these deadly types of positivity;

  • Optimism
  • Confidence
  • Certainty
  • Enthusiasm
  • Trust
  • Idealism
  • Hopefulness
  • Buoyancy

…and many, many more.

The “Cochers”Positivity +Meter will alert you to the presence of many of the most common types of hopeful anticipation allowing rapid counter measures to be put in place.

The “Cochers”Positivity +Meter combines the traditional skills of the artisan doomsayer with the latest new technology create a device that could prevent unnecessary positivism in the workplace or home.

“Where there is Hope, may we bring Despair”