Tuesday, 9 December 2014

Wave Powered Blame Machine

Labour, Conservative and LibDem politicians have united to back the Scottish Scaremonger call for the Scottish Government to back the exciting new environmentally friendly technology which powers the cutting edge "Wave Blame Machine".

LibDem spokesman Angus Nomark claimed that the Scottish government was refusing to back the scheme because one of the scientists behind the project had voted No in the referendum. " I don't know if that's true but its the sort of thing Willie Rennie would say" said Mr Nomark.

Designer of the "Wave Blame Machine" Professor Eileen Wrightward of the Institute of Mechanical Unity claims it can "harness the power of the sea to generate stories blaming the SNP, Scottish Government and other elements of the Yes movement for things that have gone wrong or might go wrong or might be claimed to have gone wrong even if they have gone right". 

Opposition parties claim that if successful the "Wave Blame Machine" would free up countless journalists to concentrate on breathless reporting of Jim Murphy's photo opportunities and press releases. Others would be available to write important pieces explaining that Ruth Davidson has become Scotland's most popular and respected politician since the beginning of recorded history or that Willie Rennie is still there.

No one from the Scottish Government could be bothered to comment.

Monday, 1 December 2014

The Grand Tour

Scottish Scaremonger Tours 

The "No-bodies" Tour of Scotland

A post-indyref tour to connect with the people and places that contributed so much to facing down the threat of narrow nationalism, social justice, peace and prosperity

The "No-bodies" Tour itinerary will give you the chance to visit some of the iconic locations and buildings that featured in the Better Together campaign to save Britain.

From the far flung Northern Isles which almost no one had heard of before to the edge of "Middleland" where a pile of rubble was created to symbolise the unity of the British people the Scaremonger No-bodies Tour will recreate the stirring spirit of  the UKOK campaign.

Day 1 - From Horned Helmets to Cow Pies - Shetland to Dundee 

Shetland: A herring themed  buffet breakfast at the Lerwick Town Hall where David Cameron made a secret visit to address 100 invited business guests and politicians.

Aberdeen: A completely private "public" meeting to be held in the secure boardroom of  oil giant Shell UK where the UK cabinet met in a show of solidarity with the  multi-national corporations threatened by a Yes vote.

Fochabers: A celebration "Soup-A-Thon" with a group of proxy No voters from a local nursing home.

Dundee: A clandestine meeting at Desperate Dan's statue in the heart of one of Scotland's insurgent Yes-towns followed by a drive-by salute of DC Thomsons HQ building. Tour participants should bring inconspicuous clothing and facial disguises for this incursion into the Heart of Darkness-on-Tay.

Dundee: A wreath laying ceremony in celebrate the commitment  of the brave volunteer mercilessly mocked as the "Lonely Better Together Lady" after she led the campaign in Baxter Park.

Day 2 -  From Kingdom to Kingsknowe - Kirkcaldy to Edinburgh

Kirkcaldy: A minutes silence at the spot in the High Street where brave Jim Murphy faced down a hostile egg wielding thug. At the conclusion of the minutes silence there will be 30 minutes of tribute bellowing and braying.

Loanhead Miners Welfare:  A rousing performance of Gordon Brown's "near federalism" speech by international superstar John Barrowman.

Our special "Walk the Union" tour of indyref locations in the regional capital city includes

Edinburgh: Tea and Tunnocks tea cakes at the Standard Life staff canteen where David Cameron gave an emotional address while sitting on a high stool.

Edinburgh: The tour will take in visits to the Head Office Brass Plates outside the RBS and Bank of Scotland 

Edinburgh: A visit to "Edinburgh's Disgrace" where the Scottish branch leaders of the main political parties held an impressive photo call. 

Edinburgh: An impromptu saluting ceremony at the giant Union Flag at Edinburgh Castle

Edinburgh:  A visit to the Fleet Street of Edinburgh, Orchard Brae, to try and spot the rented offices of The Scotsman newspaper.

Edinburgh:The very rear entrance of the Point Hotel in Bread Street where George Osborne attempted to avoid STV's Bernard Ponsonby after the "Sermon on the Pound"

Edinburgh: Kingknowe Road Scotmid Co-op where an early BBC supported photo call saw brave UKOK volunteers demonstrate how to hand out leaflets to people you already know.

Day 3 - From Big Wheel to Little Hill - Falkirk to Gretna

Falkirk: A visit to heroic truth telling superstore Asda who stood up for the rights of corporations against their customers. You'll be able to stand exactly where Johann Lamont stood for her press photo shoot.

Stirling: A chance to take part in a re-enactment of the infamous Battle of Armed Forces Day (face painting not available)

GlasgowVeterans of the nationalist provoked 19th September riots will lead a tour of  St Georges Square and discuss the key moments of the day including how they tried to give a young girl back her Saltire but who insisted that they took it away. Also a visit to the spot where British patriots stood up for gay rights in the face of intense provocation.

Glasgow:Guided walk from Central Station to Buchanan Street following the route taken by over 100 Labour MP's as they fought off waves of ridicule to join a massive pro-union rally just behind Donald Dewar's statue. 

Glasgow: A chance to see the "Home of the Vow" when we drive past the offices of  The Daily Record.

Gretna: The final stop on the tour will be at Rory Stewart's soaring near 8 foot tall Union Cairn which was built by a group of enthusiastic JCB drivers for no more than normal rates of pay as a signal of their commitment to the Union.

Book today for the Scaremonger No-bodies Tour and claim a special discount for the forthcoming Gordon Brown "Look At Me, Look At Me!" comeback tour