The Keir Starmer Inaction Figure

 

From the Scaremonger toy collection...

The Keir Starmer "Inaction" figure...

*Please note that the Keir Starmer Inaction Figure has no fast moving parts but may prove harmful to children and other civilians

New! - "ColourMyWay" Election Correction Eyewear

These Amazing  Glasses Could Change Your Outlook On Politics Forever!

New from the Scaremonger Technology Workshops! 

These amazing glasses will change everything. Endorsed by "popular" leader of the Conservatives in Scotland, Ruth "Tank Commander" Davidson, the Scaremonger "ColourMyWay" Eyewear range provides a stylish alternative to facing up to reality.

Put on your "ColourMyWay" glasses and instantly the world looks the way you'd like it to be.  "ColourMyWay"  is already working for top Tories who don't want to face up to the truth of the SNP's victory in the 2019 Euro Elections and it could soon be working for you too. 

Book your free trial today!

             

The Grand Tour

Scottish Scaremonger Tours 

The "No-bodies" Tour of Scotland

A post-indyref tour to connect with the people and places that contributed so much to facing down the threat of narrow nationalism, social justice, peace and prosperity

The "No-bodies" Tour itinerary will give you the chance to visit some of the iconic locations and buildings that featured in the Better Together campaign to save Britain.

From the far flung Northern Isles which almost no one had heard of before to the edge of "Middleland" where a pile of rubble was created to symbolise the unity of the British people the Scaremonger No-bodies Tour will recreate the stirring spirit of  the UKOK campaign.

Day 1 - From Horned Helmets to Cow Pies - Shetland to Dundee 

Shetland: A herring themed  buffet breakfast at the Lerwick Town Hall where David Cameron made a secret visit to address 100 invited business guests and politicians.

Aberdeen: A completely private "public" meeting to be held in the secure boardroom of  oil giant Shell UK where the UK cabinet met in a show of solidarity with the  multi-national corporations threatened by a Yes vote.

Fochabers: A celebration "Soup-A-Thon" with a group of proxy No voters from a local nursing home.

Dundee: A clandestine meeting at Desperate Dan's statue in the heart of one of Scotland's insurgent Yes-towns followed by a drive-by salute of DC Thomsons HQ building. Tour participants should bring inconspicuous clothing and facial disguises for this incursion into the Heart of Darkness-on-Tay.

Dundee: A wreath laying ceremony in celebrate the commitment  of the brave volunteer mercilessly mocked as the "Lonely Better Together Lady" after she led the campaign in Baxter Park.




Day 2 -  From Kingdom to Kingsknowe - Kirkcaldy to Edinburgh

Kirkcaldy: A minutes silence at the spot in the High Street where brave Jim Murphy faced down a hostile egg wielding thug. At the conclusion of the minutes silence there will be 30 minutes of tribute bellowing and braying.

Loanhead Miners Welfare:  A rousing performance of Gordon Brown's "near federalism" speech by international superstar John Barrowman.



Our special "Walk the Union" tour of indyref locations in the regional capital city includes





Edinburgh: Tea and Tunnocks tea cakes at the Standard Life staff canteen where David Cameron gave an emotional address while sitting on a high stool.

Edinburgh: The tour will take in visits to the Head Office Brass Plates outside the RBS and Bank of Scotland 

Edinburgh: A visit to "Edinburgh's Disgrace" where the Scottish branch leaders of the main political parties held an impressive photo call. 

Edinburgh: An impromptu saluting ceremony at the giant Union Flag at Edinburgh Castle

Edinburgh:  A visit to the Fleet Street of Edinburgh, Orchard Brae, to try and spot the rented offices of The Scotsman newspaper.

Edinburgh:The very rear entrance of the Point Hotel in Bread Street where George Osborne attempted to avoid STV's Bernard Ponsonby after the "Sermon on the Pound"

Edinburgh: Kingknowe Road Scotmid Co-op where an early BBC supported photo call saw brave UKOK volunteers demonstrate how to hand out leaflets to people you already know.




Day 3 - From Big Wheel to Little Hill - Falkirk to Gretna

Falkirk: A visit to heroic truth telling superstore Asda who stood up for the rights of corporations against their customers. You'll be able to stand exactly where Johann Lamont stood for her press photo shoot.

Stirling: A chance to take part in a re-enactment of the infamous Battle of Armed Forces Day (face painting not available)

Glasgow: Veterans of the nationalist provoked 19th September riots will lead a tour of  St Georges Square and discuss the key moments of the day including how they tried to give a young girl back her Saltire but who insisted that they took it away. Also a visit to the spot where British patriots stood up for gay rights in the face of intense provocation.

Glasgow:Guided walk from Central Station to Buchanan Street following the route taken by over 100 Labour MP's as they fought off waves of ridicule to join a massive pro-union rally just behind Donald Dewar's statue. 

Glasgow: A chance to see the "Home of the Vow" when we drive past the offices of  The Daily Record.

Gretna: The final stop on the tour will be at Rory Stewart's soaring near 8 foot tall Union Cairn which was built by a group of enthusiastic JCB drivers for no more than normal rates of pay as a signal of their commitment to the Union.

Book today for the Scaremonger No-bodies Tour and claim a special discount for the forthcoming Gordon Brown "Look At Me, Look At Me!" comeback tour

Orange Juice / Scaremonger

The Scaremonger has no idea if the various members of fantastic 80's band Orange Juice have
stated positions on independence but they're singing our song.

Welcome

NOW OPEN FOR BUSINESS!!!
(though the uncertainty may put you off)

With unfounded scare stories becoming a stock in trade for those opposed to Scottish independence I thought it might be time to open up a dedicated department store for the scaremongers and associated trades. Suggestions for new stock lines always welcome.

HOW TO FIND US: we're at the end of the Motorway with no exits.

Don't forget to visit the Wines and Spirits Department in the sub-basement - This week's specials:

Whiskies
* Glenfuddich - a favourite of the last leader of the Labour Group

* Mairdearer - uncertain what to buy?  Price yet to be confirmed.
* Glen Campbelly - sleekit smooth, since 1707.

Wines
* Rioch-a 1978 Reserva - full bodied, lots of promise but won't deliver
* Havernaesoberlong 2009 -  Appellation incontrolée. Lard Foulkes' favourite.
* Primitivo Scozzesi 2010 - a bit rough and unready. Almost drinkable.
* Chilly-an'-Red 2012. From the cloudy lowlands of Auld Scotia. Matured for 2 weeks in oak veneer barrels. Best left in the bottle.   

(Not very) Bubbly
* Chump-pain Chateau Lamont : vaguely reminiscent of the real thing but not very sparkling.

* Cochrane's Cava Escocesa Especial 2014 - Cordón Sanitario Negro
* Scozia Nasti Stewmante - loved by Conservatives across the land
* Davidson's Sekt-tae-boak - drown your sorrows with this!

Beers  
* Black Gold - Stocks running out fast!!
* Alan Cochrane's Crabbit Gingers' Beer
* Peterkin's Peely Wally FMQ Ale -  best drunk alone.
* McEuan's Import - a imbalance of payments special brew


Rum
* Darien Fire - our loss leader - snap it up! 
* Backwardi - one for future generations!

Soft drinks
* Scottish Water - to be sold off as soon as possible!
* Fantasiland - the Brigadoonists' favourite!
* Orange-aid - a real pick-me-up for vote-grubbing Lord Provosts! (ONLY available in Glasgow). 


In our Bargain Basement Book Sale, check out our Post-Separation Specials!!
* 'Scotland On A Shoestring' by God-on Brown - from He who saved the world - the only way to get about over-priced Scotland without losing the shirt off your back.  

* 'Alone-ly Planet', a visitor guide to Scotland by the widely travelled Sir Malcolm Rifkind of Carpetbagger. He's been everywhere!!
 
* 'Alex Hitler + Adolf Salmond - a Warning From History?' by G. 'Alienation of  Reason' Warner
 
* 'Too Wee, Too Poor, Too Stupid - Scotland and the Scots' by Lord McConnedusall of the Woolsack. A superb study of the country's globally unique inability to govern itself by the socialist peer (sic) and leading public pensions expert.
 
* 'Stone Dead'.  Co-written by P. Fraser & G. Robertson, this exciting study by the country's foremost authorities on the subject, sets out in stark detail how a newly Separate Scotland, though itself a member of the mutual defence alliance, would quickly be subject to NATO carpet bombing of its airports, hospitals, schools and other strategic targets - such as fields, country homes, hamlets, villages, towns and cities - to prevent Al Qaeda taking control. 


Remaindered books

* 'SNP accused!!!' by E. Barnes - a journalist's guide to impartial Scottish political reporting 

* 'The Slow Poison Shtick': a Unionist writer's guide to ubiquitous commentary, by DDT Torrance 

* 'Doomed, Doomed, I tell ye!'  by D. Fraser - an economic journalist's guide to a Separate 

Scotland 

* 'A Separate Scotland - Many Questions'  by experienced commentator A 'Alf  Baked'  Young - just 

why are the SNP refusing to tell us what interest rates will be in October 2017, or what time the 

Number 27 will leave St Andrew's Sqaure Bus Station on 15th of March 2048? How can they expect

voters to trust them??  

* 'They're Doing it on Purpose!' by Baron Fowkes o' Forelock - a political heavyweight's 

hard-hitting analysis of just why the Independence Separatist movement has been so successful 

and how to undermine it. 

Our Burns' Anthology (revised)

* The Tree of Slavery

* The Brigands of Ayr

* Scots Wha Havnae

* A Nightmare

* The Lack O' Vision

* The Banks O' Doom

* Is there for Dishonest Poverty 

* Address to the IMF

Our Shakespeare Classics
* As You Dinnie Like It
* Loves Labours Lost (the plot)
* The Tragedy o' CorrieNaeFurUs
* Timid Of Athens (of the North)
* Toil-us and Crisisda 
* The Comedy Of Errors
* The Two Ignoble Clansmen
* The Tempest

Assorted goods 

* Cunningham brand super soft voters' (loo) roll - 40% discount.
* Ordurance Survey maps of Shit Creek (paddle not included)
* Michelle Moan 'Disaster bras' - more let-down than uplift. Only a few left in 
stock (clearance items - reason: business moving abroad in late Autumn 2014).
* One-way discount ticket to Oblivion in our travel shop

Pharmacy

* Avoid sleepwalking to separation with our Matchsticks range of stimulant drugs. 

* Value Sticking Plasters - favoured by Scotland's finest economists.  (Sold out)

* Suffering pre-separation indigestion? Try WRennie's LibDem tablets to calm your nerves by removing any unwanted political radicalism from your life.