Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Welcome

NOW OPEN FOR BUSINESS!!!
(though the uncertainty may put you off)

With unfounded scare stories becoming a stock in trade for those opposed to Scottish independence I thought it might be time to open up a dedicated department store for the scaremongers and associated trades. Suggestions for new stock lines always welcome.

HOW TO FIND US: we're at the end of the Motorway with no exits.

Don't forget to visit the Wines and Spirits Department in the sub-basement - This week's specials:

Whiskies
* Glenfuddich - a favourite of the last leader of the Labour Group
* Mairdearer - uncertain what to buy?  Price yet to be confirmed.
* Glen Campbelly - sleekit smooth, since 1707.

Wines
* Rioch-a 1978 Reserva - full bodied, lots of promise but won't deliver
* Havernaesoberlong 2009 -  Appellation incontrol√©e. Lard Foulkes' favourite.
* Primitivo Scozzesi 2010 - a bit rough and unready. Almost drinkable.
* Chilly-an'-Red 2012. From the cloudy lowlands of Auld Scotia. Matured for 2 weeks in oak veneer barrels. Best left in the bottle.   

(Not very) Bubbly
* Chump-pain Chateau Lamont : vaguely reminiscent of the real thing but not very sparkling.
* Cochrane's Cava Escocesa Especial 2014 - Cordón Sanitario Negro
* Scozia Nasti Stewmante - loved by Conservatives across the land
* Davidson's Sekt-tae-boak - drown your sorrows with this!

Beers  
* Black Gold - Stocks running out fast!!
* Alan Cochrane's Crabbit Gingers' Beer
* Peterkin's Peely Wally FMQ Ale -  best drunk alone.
* McEuan's Import - a imbalance of payments special brew


Rum
* Darien Fire - our loss leader - snap it up! 
* Backwardi - one for future generations!

Soft drinks
* Scottish Water - to be sold off as soon as possible!
* Fantasiland - the Brigadoonists' favourite!
* Orange-aid - a real pick-me-up for vote-grubbing Lord Provosts! (ONLY available in Glasgow). 


In our Bargain Basement Book Sale, check out our Post-Separation Specials!!
* 'Scotland On A Shoestring' by God-on Brown - from He who saved the world - the only way to get about over-priced Scotland without losing the shirt off your back.  

* 'Alone-ly Planet', a visitor guide to Scotland by the widely travelled Sir Malcolm Rifkind of Carpetbagger. He's been everywhere!!
 

* 'Alex Hitler + Adolf Salmond - a Warning From History?' by G. 'Alienation of  Reason' Warner
 

* 'Too Wee, Too Poor, Too Stupid - Scotland and the Scots' by Lord McConnedusall of the Woolsack. A superb study of the country's globally unique inability to govern itself by the socialist peer (sic) and leading public pensions expert.
 

* 'Stone Dead'.  Co-written by P. Fraser & G. Robertson, this exciting study by the country's foremost authorities on the subject, sets out in stark detail how a newly Separate Scotland, though itself a member of the mutual defence alliance, would quickly be subject to NATO carpet bombing of its airports, hospitals, schools and other strategic targets - such as fields, country homes, hamlets, villages, towns and cities - to prevent Al Qaeda taking control. 


Remaindered books


* 'SNP accused!!!' by E. Barnes - a journalist's guide to impartial Scottish political reporting 
 
* 'The Slow Poison Shtick': a Unionist writer's guide to ubiquitous commentary, by DDT Torrance 
 
* 'Doomed, Doomed, I tell ye!'  by D. Fraser - an economic journalist's guide to a Separate 
Scotland 
 
* 'A Separate Scotland - Many Questions'  by experienced commentator A 'Alf  Baked'  Young - just 
why are the SNP refusing to tell us what interest rates will be in October 2017, or what time the 
Number 27 will leave St Andrew's Sqaure Bus Station on 15th of March 2048? How can they expect
voters to trust them??  
 
* 'They're Doing it on Purpose!' by Baron Fowkes o' Forelock - a political heavyweight's 
hard-hitting analysis of just why the Independence Separatist movement has been so successful 
and how to undermine it. 
 
Our Burns' Anthology (revised)
* The Tree of Slavery
* The Brigands of Ayr
* Scots Wha Havnae
* A Nightmare
* The Lack O' Vision
* The Banks O' Doom
* Is there for Dishonest Poverty 
* Address to the IMF
  
Our Shakespeare Classics
* As You Dinnie Like It
* Loves Labours Lost (the plot)
* The Tragedy o' CorrieNaeFurUs
* Timid Of Athens (of the North)
* Toil-us and Crisisda 

* The Comedy Of Errors
* The Two Ignoble Clansmen
* The Tempest
   
Assorted goods 


* Cunningham brand super soft voters' (loo) roll - 40% discount.
* Ordurance Survey maps of Shit Creek (paddle not included)
* Michelle Moan 'Disaster bras' - more let-down than uplift. Only a few left in 
stock (clearance items - reason: business moving abroad in late Autumn 2014).
* One-way discount ticket to Oblivion in our travel shop
 
Pharmacy

* Avoid sleepwalking to separation with our Matchsticks range of stimulant drugs. 
* Value Sticking Plasters - favoured by Scotland's finest economists.  (Sold out)

* Suffering pre-separation indigestion? Try WRennie's LibDem tablets to calm your nerves by removing any unwanted political radicalism from your life.    




3 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
  2. I paid a visit the other day just to have a look, to find that all the stock had been raided by the Yes men. As soon as I realised this, I turned around just in time to see Nicola Sturgeon making her way down the road with a massive wheelbarrow full of stock...

    ReplyDelete