The Scaremonger Lifetime Shopping Bag!
Worried about soaring food costs after Independence?
Unsure how to get your precious foods home safely?
The Scaremonger Lifetime Shopping Bag is a sturdy reusable shopping bag
specially designed for use in the apocalyptic post independence shopping environment
Tough construction - will withstand turnip and potato abrasion easily
Strong "torytech" handles - super grip to prevent "beggar grabbing incidents
Smart special porridge and cabbage pockets keep these expensive luxuries safe
Practical* a built in calculator and converter lets you see how much prices have risen since independence
Fashionable available in a wide range of colours including grey, brown and off-cream
Personal your bag can be customised with a range of slogans such as;
"Don't blame me I voted No" and "Not a Daily Mail reader - honestly!"
We expect a big rush for these exclusive bags so order today!
*requires 12 hours exposure to sunlight to charge.
Monday, 9 December 2013
Wednesday, 4 December 2013
The Cameron Buchan Accent Regulator
The Cameron Buchan Accent Regulator
Worried that your inauthentically Scots accent may be holding you back?
Concerned that you are too easily mistaken for an unwelcome continental?
Now you too can have a Scottish accent - at the touch of a button!
Using patent-pending torytech innovation the Cameron Buchan Accent Regulator can transform your mangled foreign pronunciations into authentic and Better Together approved patriotic Scots tongue.
Real Scots need a Reel accent!
Choose from;
Glasgow "parliamo"
Edinburgh "Brodie" or "Begbie"
Border "Reiver"
Hint of Gaelic
Northern Isles basic Up Helly Aa
Invernessian "Fesh Sapper"
Dundonian "peh"
Fife "Methil-ated Spirit"
and many more!
The Cameron Buchan Accent regulator is cleverly concealed within a traditionally styled and typically Scottish bushy moustache (just like Paw Broon) so that you can mingle in any business or social setting with complete confidence. The device is available in three patriotically Scottish colours as well, Sullen Broon, Ginger Nut and RedWhiteandBlue!
Order today and get the Darling Filthy Groat Detector half price!
Worried that your inauthentically Scots accent may be holding you back?
Concerned that you are too easily mistaken for an unwelcome continental?
Now you too can have a Scottish accent - at the touch of a button!
Using patent-pending torytech innovation the Cameron Buchan Accent Regulator can transform your mangled foreign pronunciations into authentic and Better Together approved patriotic Scots tongue.
Real Scots need a Reel accent!
Choose from;
Glasgow "parliamo"
Edinburgh "Brodie" or "Begbie"
Border "Reiver"
Hint of Gaelic
Northern Isles basic Up Helly Aa
Invernessian "Fesh Sapper"
Dundonian "peh"
Fife "Methil-ated Spirit"
and many more!
The Cameron Buchan Accent regulator is cleverly concealed within a traditionally styled and typically Scottish bushy moustache (just like Paw Broon) so that you can mingle in any business or social setting with complete confidence. The device is available in three patriotically Scottish colours as well, Sullen Broon, Ginger Nut and RedWhiteandBlue!
Order today and get the Darling Filthy Groat Detector half price!
Saturday, 16 November 2013
Pocket Battleship
No need to worry about your seaborne defence capability with the latest Scaremonger product range, PaperNavy!
A few quick folds and you can be launching the latest addition to your impressive fleet for sea trials. Construction schedules for your vessels can be surprisingly quick and even the most advance warships can be built in less time that it takes for a pirate to hoist his Jolly Roger.
A full range of warships is available including;
Typeface 26 Destroyer
"Lamont" Class Easy-sink Submarine
"Baillie" Heavy Cruiser
"Rennie" Lightweight Cruiser
"Davidson" Unsure Patrol Craft
plus many more!
PaperNavy! comes in handy A3, A4 and A5 versions so there's a PaperNavy! for every budget. All the family can help build your new PaperNavy! Mum, Dad and the kids can all help create the new naval task force. Remember that after you've built your ships you can have almost as much fun choosing the names for your PaperNavy!
So "Come Aboard" and it'll be "Anchors Aweigh" for your new foldable fighting force.
A few quick folds and you can be launching the latest addition to your impressive fleet for sea trials. Construction schedules for your vessels can be surprisingly quick and even the most advance warships can be built in less time that it takes for a pirate to hoist his Jolly Roger.
A full range of warships is available including;
Typeface 26 Destroyer
"Lamont" Class Easy-sink Submarine
"Baillie" Heavy Cruiser
"Rennie" Lightweight Cruiser
"Davidson" Unsure Patrol Craft
plus many more!
PaperNavy! comes in handy A3, A4 and A5 versions so there's a PaperNavy! for every budget. All the family can help build your new PaperNavy! Mum, Dad and the kids can all help create the new naval task force. Remember that after you've built your ships you can have almost as much fun choosing the names for your PaperNavy!
So "Come Aboard" and it'll be "Anchors Aweigh" for your new foldable fighting force.
Thursday, 31 October 2013
Tuesday, 15 October 2013
Royal Mail Special Offer
Stamp on Uncertainty!
Worried about postal costs after independence?
Concerned that you won't be able to send letters to your cousin in Chelsea or your auntie in Ascot?
The Scaremonger has a new service available which will offer reassurance and deliver the all important certainty you need. Our new "tartan mail" scheme allows you to pre-plan postage for your letters and packages for the day after independence. Just like at present where the costs of UK postage in the future are unknown our "tartan mail" ensures that you can't know the future cost of postage in an independent Scotland with the same degree of uncertainty.
Sign up to our "tartan mail" service and we'll send you fully redeemable* vouchers which we can guarantee you may be able to use to exchange for stamps**
£1.00 buys a voucher worth £1.00. After independence you can return your voucher to the Scaremonger "tartan mail" exchange centre*** and we will send you the equivalent value of postage stamps. No fuss, no complicated forms to fill in.
Postage cost planning made simple!
*subject to terms and conditions yet to be confirmed
**cost of postage stamps may vary
***a 15% handling charge will be applied
Worried about postal costs after independence?
Concerned that you won't be able to send letters to your cousin in Chelsea or your auntie in Ascot?
The Scaremonger has a new service available which will offer reassurance and deliver the all important certainty you need. Our new "tartan mail" scheme allows you to pre-plan postage for your letters and packages for the day after independence. Just like at present where the costs of UK postage in the future are unknown our "tartan mail" ensures that you can't know the future cost of postage in an independent Scotland with the same degree of uncertainty.
Sign up to our "tartan mail" service and we'll send you fully redeemable* vouchers which we can guarantee you may be able to use to exchange for stamps**
£1.00 buys a voucher worth £1.00. After independence you can return your voucher to the Scaremonger "tartan mail" exchange centre*** and we will send you the equivalent value of postage stamps. No fuss, no complicated forms to fill in.
Postage cost planning made simple!
*subject to terms and conditions yet to be confirmed
**cost of postage stamps may vary
***a 15% handling charge will be applied
Thursday, 12 September 2013
The Poll-A-Rater
Fed up of commissioning opinion polls which come back with the “wrong” results?
Need a helpful opinion poll result to back up your scare stories?
Are your voters losing their fear of change?
You need our new “Poll-A-Rater”!
The “Poll-A-Rater” can deliver worrying data – instantly. Now you can have confidence shaking results designed to match your requirements. We use a series of carefully designed statistical weighting algorithms to ensure that you get the results you need.
With the “Poll-A-Rater” you’ll be able to back up your unsubstantiated falsehoods with apparently supportive data – reams of it!
You’ll be able to;
· confirm high levels of concern over imaginary problems
· detect low levels of confidence in the answers to unanswerable questions
· create hypothetical fears over tendentious propositions
· combine small worries into single overwhelming terrors
The“Poll-A-Rater” also comes complete with lots of complex tables which will help prove that your conclusions are fully supported by the data – whatever they are!
You can also upgrade to the Black is White executive package get even more misleading answers to the questions no one is asking.
Friday, 6 September 2013
Safety Equipment
The “Cochers” Positivity+ Meter
Instantly detects dangerous levels of positivity
Operates blindly across a range of positive indicators
Unique “Banshee” warning system
Early warning of these deadly types of positivity;
- Optimism
- Confidence
- Certainty
- Enthusiasm
- Trust
- Idealism
- Hopefulness
- Buoyancy
…and many, many more.
The “Cochers”Positivity +Meter will alert you to the presence of many of the most common types of hopeful anticipation allowing rapid counter measures to be put in place.
The “Cochers”Positivity +Meter combines the traditional skills of the artisan doomsayer with the latest new technology create a device that could prevent unnecessary positivism in the workplace or home.
“Where there is Hope, may we bring Despair”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)