Pop Up Patsy

A Great New Family Game

Hours of fun for all!
 

Who will make the patsy pop up out of the bottom of the barrel?

"Patsy" is hiding at the bottom of the barrel. Can you make "Patsy" jump out into the open? Players take turns  to push rolled up copies of the Daily Record into the barrel to make ""Patsy" jump. The winner gets to wear a genuine plastic Deputy badge and take messages from the real bosses in London.



 

"Local Leader" Crown of Thorns

Labour Leadership Special!

Back in Stock - 

The Scaremonger special Labour-Local-Leader 

ceremonial headband

Made from 100% twisted facts

Multiple "genuine" pricks for that pained expression

Optional "nuts" and "barking mad" decorations

Available in Nut-Brown or Lily-Livered White

Order today and get a special "martyrs goonie" absolutely free!

*Labour-Local-Leader operating instructions are available to download from our London office

Create-A-Debate Kit

The Scaremonger "Create-A-Debate" Kit

• Self Important?
• Pompous?
• Got nothing to say but want to say it at great length?
• Personal profile needing raised?

The Scaremonger "Create-A-Debate" kit is designed to help people whose personal or public profile has declined in relevance and reputation. When the bairns stop laughing at you in the street and ex-President stops ringing you'll need to act decisively to restore your place in the media spotlight. That's where the Scaremonger "Create-A-Debate" kit comes in. 

Each "Create-A-Debate" kit contains everything you'll need to arrange a pointless but high profile event which will propel you back into the limelight. The kit includes;

• A "Don't You Know Who I Am" badge
• Contact details for malleable and lazy newspaper/television journalists who'll print any old rubbish to fill a page or two minutes of screen time.
• Booking details for an appropriately "impressive" venue ( available venues include Parliamentary Chambers, PLC canteens  and Miners Welfare Clubs)
• A range of template speeches ranging from "incoherently passionate and angry" to "confusingly angry and betrayed"

Our satisfied customers are already dominating the headlines in the newspapers and on television. "It's been amazing!" says G.B. "I'd never have thought it would be so easy to get acres of coverage and nobody ever asks a difficult question. I've already recommended the Scaremonger "Create-A-Debate" to all the world leaders I know very well".  

Order "Create-A-Debate" today and get a free "I'm Back!" A2 laminated poster.

Don't Miss The Scaremonger Stock Clearance!

STOCK CLEARANCE 

INCREDIBLE BARGAINS IN THE SALE OF THE YEAR!

With a UK General Election and a possible EU In-Out Referendum just around the corner the Scottish Scaremonger need to make room for exciting new ranges of frights and scares to provide our renowned levels of service to both existing and new customers across this "family of cowering nations".

The Scaremonger Clearance Sale offers you the chance to pick up top quality scares at rock-bottom prices. Of course stocks will be limited, demand strong and filled on a "first come first served" basis so please order soon to avoid disappointment.

Clearance Offers Include;

"Secret" Dossiers: Beautifully presented "secret" dossiers. Each dossier comes with dramatic "Top Secret" stamps, unflattering black and white photos of a Scottish Cabinet Minister and carefully redacted reports. Other pages are blank for your own content.

North Sea Oil Reserve Estimates: A range of authoritative estimates with options from "gloomy" to "despairing". The report can be combined with our customisable  "barrel price" product for even greater depressive effect.

Supermarket Till Receipts: Ideal for kids! Playing at shops has never been so scary. Watch the kids faces fall when they see how much milk costs in Ireland!

Head Office Relocation Kits: Each kit contains one brass plate with four screws together with a solicitors letter. 

Border Posts: Fully non-realistic border posts complete with fictional guards and imaginary passport officials. 

A Rogues Gallery of Yes Yobs

The Scaremonger Rogues Gallery

Noam Chomsky and Joseph Stiglitz - Dialectical intimidation of John Reid who then refused to put up a No poster in his house.Shameful thuggery.

Patrick Harvie - raised his voice briefly in a debate about organic farming and independence, upsetting Nigel Farage who was watching in his local and, in shock, had to be helped home. 

Other Green Party activists - stirring yoghurts too loudly outside home of Jim Murphy, Surely this kind of unruly behaviour is a police matter?

John Swinney - even hard-bitten Deutsche Bank executives were close to tears at hard-man Swinney's vicious balancing of the Scottish budget. 

Pat Kane -  With his reckless overuse of multi-syllabic word play street fighter Kane has been bludgeoning a succession of proud patriots inside and outside TV studios across the land.

Elaine C Smith - Paid up member of the nationalist Thespian Taliban Smith has been terrorising unsuspecting audiences on stage and screen with her theatrical propaganda. No wonder union loving actors are cowering in their green rooms afraid to step into the limelight.

Brain Drain Shock!

Stop Press! - Exclusive!

Scotland's gutters will be relocated south of the border in the event of a Yes vote on Thursday revealed the pro-union "Let's Be Frightened" campaign group. 

A spokesman for "Let's Be Frightened" told the Scaremonger that as the gutters were mainly used by the London based media, pro-union campaigners based in London and the Westminster political parties it was only sensible that they be relocated in the event of a Yes vote.

"This is not scaremongering but a sensible reaction to the pathological authoritarianism of Pol Pot wannabe Alex Salmond and his cybernat army of SNP shock-troops who have plans to round up everyone and make them eat out-of-date Stornoway Black Pudding and drink pond water." said the spokesman.

No one from the Yes campaign was asked to comment so it must be true.

The "No-Plan" Seven Day Diet

The “No-Plan” one week diet of scares

A seven day scaremonger plan that will have the pounds falling away!

1.       Come Clean Alex!  No soap in indy-Scotland say experts.  With no indigenous large scale soap industry cottage craft soap makers will be unable to meet demand after border controls imposed.

2.       Tolled Off! – John Swinney has a secret plan to re-impose bridge tolls on Forth and Tay after a Yes vote to punish Gordon Brown.

3.       Rock Bottom! – Salmond distraught as Kylie fails to join Yes campaign.

4.       Call Me Paddy! -  Green leader Patrick Harvie promises brown rice will replace chips as Scots staple after Yes.

5.       Cuffing Hell! – Shock for Scots coppers as it is revealed that their handcuffs rely on “English” keys.

6.       Hopping Mad! – Patriotic Kent farmers will refuse to sell to Scots brewers if “crazy” Salmond gets currency union.   

7.       Tipping Point! – British scientists believe that Scotland will be drained of water as weight of economic refugees to England causes geological shift.