NEW - SCOTTISH RADIO TIMES
Save 20% if you subscribe now!
Our new TV Listings magazine, Scottish Radio Times, is due to launch in early 2016. But the Scaremonger has negotiated a special subscription package. Sign up today and you’ll receive the first copy of the Scottish Radio Times ABSOLUTELY FREE!*
Scottish Radio Times will carry full listings of all the programmes available on the TV channel of an independent Scotland – A typical schedule such as;
8.30am: Breakfast : Porridge Updates and other oatmeal news from across Scotland
9am: Closedown
1pm: Film : Braveheart : Mel Gibsons famous historical docu-drama (repeated at 9.30pm)
3pm: Take the High Woad (new Braveheart-inspired soap opera about daily life in a late 13th century glen)
4pm: Film : Brigadoon : Gene Kellys famous musical docu-drama
6pm: Kids TV : Archie and Hamish ; the sock puppet twins discuss knitting patterns
6.30pm: Reporting Scotland : Your news from across Scotland. Citizen journalism at it finest.
6.50pm: Weather : A rain, hail, sleet and snow update
7pm: Live : Address to the Nation by Alex Salmond : The First Ministers nightly address to his people.
8pm: River City : Another chance to see the opening episode of the 2008 series
8.30pm: Documentary Hour : The Forth Bridge : Live streaming from the Forth Bridge Webcams
9.30pm: Film : Braveheart : Mel Gibsons famous historical docu-drama (repeated at Midnight)
11.30pm: Sportscene : Fishing highlights from Peterhead plus Renfrewshire Championship Dominos highlights of todays play from Paisleys Central Bar
12.00am: Film : Braveheart : Mel Gibsons famous historical docu-drama (repeated at 4am)
2am: Closedown
So don’t delay – subscribe today and guarantee your copy of Scotland’s soon to be finest listings magazine.
*Subject to availability. Delivery charges may apply (postage rates to be confirmed). Mon-Sat Standard delivery to mainland postcodes only (excludes postcodes starting A-Z) Island delivery every 3rd Tuesday in alternate months (subject to tidal conditions)
Tuesday, 30 July 2013
Wednesday, 26 June 2013
SHAKE-AWAKE
Food Supplements : New
Arrivals
Lies not big enough!
Girls laugh at your weedy arguments?
Embarrassed by your visible support?
You need SHAKE-AWAKE by
the Scaremonger.
Our patented SHAKE-AWAKE supplement will bulk out your tall tales and
fill out those under-developed scares. SHAKE-AWAKE will have you pumping out tommy-rot on
defence, spinning nonsense about the NHS, garbage on Europe and lifting the lid
on Currency baloney.
The SHAKE-AWAKE diet
couldn’t be simpler;
A “ tasteless” shake for
breakfast.
A portion of “dry boak” for
lunch.
An under-nourishing bowl of “thin
gruel” in the evening.
SHAKE-AWAKE has been extensively tested by the Better
Together network and is proven to deliver increased mendacity and raised levels
of shroud waving.
An Amazing Dental Care Breakthrough!
Now Available in our Pharmacy Department
Our new own brand “Scaremonger” Insensitive Gentle Frightening truthpaste
The Scaremonger Tooth-Team of pseudo
scientists have spent minutes developing this special anti-fact formulation
suitable for all the family.
Use Insensitive Gentle Frightening truthpaste daily to maintain that special “Ring of
Uncertainty” and to protect you and your family from dangerous free radical
bacteria in the political environment.
Insensitive
Gentle Frightening truthpaste
supports unhelpful hysteria and
suppresses damaging positivity.
The Red, Blue and Yellow stripes of Insensitive Gentle
Frightening truthpaste contain genuine Indistinguishium and provide
a uniform layer of truth resistant coating which can protect you and your
family from excessive optimism, confidence and inspiration.
Insensitive - just in case there’s something out there to make you smile!
Wednesday, 12 June 2013
Alistair's Their Darling
The Scaremonger is proud to announce the opening of our new Scary Song Shop.
Traditional tunes and new compositions - with a message, Our first offering is a
celebratory ditty to commemorate the togetherness of Labour and Conservative
one day in June.
Alistair's their Darling, their Darling, their Darling.
Alistair's their Darling, Greeted with a cheer.
He knows just how to work the hall,
And what they like to hear.
Droning on and on and on,
Dealing out the fear.
Alistair's their Darling, their Darling, their Darling.
Alistair's their Darling, Talking out his rear.
He says Wee Eck's the biggest threat,
That children are not safe,
Unless we're in the mothership,
The kindly British state.
Alistair's their Darling, their Darling, their Darling.
Alistair's their Darling, Dealing out the fear.
For Scotland is a basket case,
Full of fools and clowns.
Trusted with the little things,
Told not to make a sound.
Alistair's their Darling etc.
There's No Time to Lose!
NEW IN!
The Referendum Countdown Wallclock!
Unlike other fussy countdown clocks, no need to set the time and date or faff about checking up on how long's left till Doomsday. With our unique product it's always one minute to midnight.
ONLY (you've guessed it!) £23.59 p+p incl!
Analogue version also available but due to our special fixed time mechanism there's no more of those irritating ticks or tocks!
Choose from a range of terrifying clockface backgrounds featuring typical warmongering, independence supporters: Mahatma Gandhi, Alex Salmond, Patrick Harvie, the Dalai Lama, Nicola Sturgeon, Colin Fox, Alan Cumming, Elaine C. Smith and many, many more!
As used in the offices of BBC Scotland, The Scotsman, The Daily Record, The Times, The Telegraph etc etc.
Matching wristwatch also available (as modelled by Alan Cochrane, Andrew Neil and Magnus Gardham) for only £23.59! SPECIAL OFFER - buy the countdown clock and watch together and we'll give you one of our prize-winning Scaremonger Shrouds FREE!! The chest of our shrouds is emblazoned with the inspiring Scaremonger slogan: "Too wee, too poor, too stupid. Since 1707".
(Only one size available - too wee).
The Referendum Countdown Wallclock!
Unlike other fussy countdown clocks, no need to set the time and date or faff about checking up on how long's left till Doomsday. With our unique product it's always one minute to midnight.
ONLY (you've guessed it!) £23.59 p+p incl!
Analogue version also available but due to our special fixed time mechanism there's no more of those irritating ticks or tocks!
Choose from a range of terrifying clockface backgrounds featuring typical warmongering, independence supporters: Mahatma Gandhi, Alex Salmond, Patrick Harvie, the Dalai Lama, Nicola Sturgeon, Colin Fox, Alan Cumming, Elaine C. Smith and many, many more!
As used in the offices of BBC Scotland, The Scotsman, The Daily Record, The Times, The Telegraph etc etc.
Matching wristwatch also available (as modelled by Alan Cochrane, Andrew Neil and Magnus Gardham) for only £23.59! SPECIAL OFFER - buy the countdown clock and watch together and we'll give you one of our prize-winning Scaremonger Shrouds FREE!! The chest of our shrouds is emblazoned with the inspiring Scaremonger slogan: "Too wee, too poor, too stupid. Since 1707".
(Only one size available - too wee).
Thursday, 23 May 2013
T.A.M. The Acronym Machine
Acronym Agony Solved
No more struggling to find that perfect acronym now that our crack team of boffins has perfected this high tech solution. Simply punch in the wordor name you want to use and the T.A.M generates the perfect acronym. Recent examples include;
TAVISH SCOTT - Twists Any Victory Into Sweeping Humiliation. Some Call Out Total Turnip
DARLING - Does Anyone Really Listen? It's Nonsensical Guff.
JACKIE BAILLIE - Joins Every Calumny Keenly. In Errors Bluster And Insanity Loom Large. Inevitably Excruciating.
FARAGE -Fool Arrives. Runs Away Grasping Excuses.
LAMONT- Looks Always Miserable On National Triumphs
MOORE - Muddy Opinions Or Repeated Excuses
SARWAR - Seriously! Any Rubbish Will Always Repeat
ED MILIBAND - Egregious Discourse. Mendacious Idiocy. Leader Is Benefits Axeman. Nefarious Dogmatism
JOHANN LAMONT - Joyless. Obviously Hopeless. Asinine Negativity. Nightmare Leadership. Apes Most Odious Neo-Thatcherites.
T.A.M. is available by special order only*
*price on application
No more struggling to find that perfect acronym now that our crack team of boffins has perfected this high tech solution. Simply punch in the wordor name you want to use and the T.A.M generates the perfect acronym. Recent examples include;
TAVISH SCOTT - Twists Any Victory Into Sweeping Humiliation. Some Call Out Total Turnip
DARLING - Does Anyone Really Listen? It's Nonsensical Guff.
JACKIE BAILLIE - Joins Every Calumny Keenly. In Errors Bluster And Insanity Loom Large. Inevitably Excruciating.
FARAGE -Fool Arrives. Runs Away Grasping Excuses.
LAMONT- Looks Always Miserable On National Triumphs
MOORE - Muddy Opinions Or Repeated Excuses
SARWAR - Seriously! Any Rubbish Will Always Repeat
ED MILIBAND - Egregious Discourse. Mendacious Idiocy. Leader Is Benefits Axeman. Nefarious Dogmatism
JOHANN LAMONT - Joyless. Obviously Hopeless. Asinine Negativity. Nightmare Leadership. Apes Most Odious Neo-Thatcherites.
T.A.M. is available by special order only*
*price on application
Wednesday, 22 May 2013
Where's The Beef?
Opening soon...
The Scaremonger Bistro
Set menu for a newly Separate Scotland.
Starter
* Sullen Skink
Main courses
* Aberdeen Angus (T)rump Special - overdone, hormone-injected.
* Half-baked Lamont Sole.
* Succulent Lamb.
Dessert
* Milk & Honey
Er, that's it.
The Scaremonger Bistro
Set menu for a newly Separate Scotland.
Starter
* Sullen Skink
Main courses
* Aberdeen Angus (T)rump Special - overdone, hormone-injected.
* Half-baked Lamont Sole.
* Succulent Lamb.
Dessert
* Milk & Honey
Er, that's it.
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