Monday, 25 August 2014

"BellyFire" - Brain Fuel for Scary Speakers

A recipe as old as fear itself.

If you have a idea that's hard to defend.
If the facts leave you on a "sticky wicket".
If the sight and sound of you speaking makes listeners and watchers worry about your health.
If even your friends find it hard to say nice things about you.
If you just need help.

"BellyFire"  is a Highland themed liquor which guarantees you have plenty of the sparky verbal aggression and deflective shoutiness  which ensures that reasoned argument will never be required.

A secret handed down from generation to generation the recipe for "BellyFire" is kept safely under lock and key in a Highland  "But 'n Ben" styled safety deposit box in London.

Distilled from pure hogwash, local - just like Scottish - authentic tap water, and refined British schmaltz "BellyFire" gives even the most lacklustre speaker the power to dissemble for Britain!

100% unnatural flavourings provide the unique flavours of "BellyFire". Rare herbs and aromatic plants  are sourced from across the wastelands of Scotland for use in the secret "BellyFire" process.
Traditional herbs and little known plants such as Dog Whistle,  Snakeshead, Blue Weed, Nodding Thistles, Slippery Elm, Donkey Ear, Devils Eyebrows, Brassy Farthing and Slippery Nothing are carefully gathered by our bused in paid volunteers and the extracts carefully utilised to provide the distinctive flavours of "BellyFire".

Exclusive - "BellyFire"  Highland themed liquor is available only from the Scottish Scaremonger.

Limited stock - order today to avoid disappointment.

Sunday, 17 August 2014

Health and Fitness Special Offer - Run On The Bank!


RUN ON THE BANK!


With so much talk of economic meltdown and currency crisis after a Yes vote you won't want to miss the opportunity to combine keeping fit with securing the pound in your pocket.


These exclusive "Run On The Bank" cross trainers will help you step up to the challenge of keeping your precious pounds safe and staying healthy.


A stylish "I'm alright (Union) Jack" design will get you noticed by the frantic crowds at the cash machine while you make off briskly with your valuable pounds.

Order your exclusive Scaremonger "Run On The Bank" trainers today and get a head start!




Friday, 1 August 2014

Commonwealth Games Special

Scary Sports Day

A Scaremonger day out for all the family
Special independence referendum themed sporting events
Great prizes on offer 

Planned events include;


  • The Rory Stewart 75 mile wall walk 
  • Asymmetrical Power Bars
  • Straw Man Challenge
  • The Jam Tomorrow Steeplechase (obstacles sponsored by the House of Lords)
  • Slippery Lipstick on a Pig Wrestling
  • Insurmountable Hurdles 
  • Mud Slinging
  • 20m Leap in the Dark
  • 100m Dash for Shale Gas
  • 4x100m Rely on subsidies from England
Sign up today and claim a special "twin-face" saltire/union flag t-shirt.







Monday, 30 June 2014

Pop Up Think Tank

 Pop Up Think Tank! - A Scaremonger exclusive product



A forward facing and innovative approach to concept credibility and public affairs profile challenges.

Solution focused and stress tested for simple and flexible media centred response to rapidly changing campaign environments.

Intensive multi-discipline deployment of neo-linguistic terminology in standard technical and academic style books.

J.A.R.G.O.N. - Our unique and powerful software* delivers fast results.

A rolling faculty of referable and pseudo-quality academic support provides supportive narrative commentary in media ready segmentation. Our imaginative group provide rapid response counter factual lines to deflect sceptical questioning using our "double bluff" mega-database of near facts.

  • Step 1: Select a "research" area from a pick-list which includes: Defence in A Dangerous World, Shrinking Currency Options, Managing Hydrocarbon Stock Decline, EU Relations, Border Security and Mass Immigration.
  • Step 2: Use the Creator toolkit to select an impressive and impartial sounding academic title for your Think Tank. Recent creations include "Dynamic Thought Scotland", "Centre for Innovative Concepts", "International Debate In Oil Trading Security", "Foundation of Organised Learning Scotland".
  • Step 3: Use the "Generate Report" tools to create your impartial study that appears to undermine the case for independence together with press release templates styled for a variety of mainstream media outlets.
  • Step 4: Repeat ad nauseam


Pop Up Think Tank! is only available to Scaremonger Private Commercial subscribers

Pop Up Think Tank! can be used in conjunction with the forthcoming VNB Reverse Logic Engine to create even more terrifying projections.







* Just Allocates Really Grim Official Names

Monday, 26 May 2014

Euro Election Souvenir Special

Euro Election Commemorative Headgear


The ideal gift for the UKIP blowhard in your life!

A hat that captures the spirit of the age!

Perfect for posh loudmouths everywhere






Special Offer: Order your commemorative "blowhard" hat today and the Scaremonger will add a quote from new Scottish MEP David Coburn to the inner rim. Choose from "err", "umm" and "I'm rather tired - I can't think of one just now" 



Friday, 16 May 2014

EXCLUSIVE!

Check out this exclusive clip from our new training video series aimed at Better Together activists.


Monday, 5 May 2014

Gardeners Special

SPRING OFFERS FOR THE GARDEN


With the first shoots of spring the thoughts of all good gardeners  turn to preparing for the season ahead. The Scaremonger has a numbers of special offers which our regulars will really "dig"


Garden Equipment
  • Traditional Watering Can't: our special design keeps things under control
  • Border Fencing: keep unwanted pests out with this easily erected fencing
  • Wellington Boots: perfect for trampling green shoots
  • "Westminster" Troughs: all sizes 
  • Flexible Hose: perfect for watering down things
  • Whitewash: also available in Brown
  • The "Cridland" garden spade: you won't be able to stop digging with one of these!
  • High Stakes: ideal for leading things on
  • The "Massie" Scarifier: an old name back for another season
  • Lone-Furrow Plough: 
  • Johann+Anas No. 2 Compost: only available in size XL 
  • Migrant Bird Scarer: keep those unwelcome visitors away
  • Astro-Turf: almost as good as the real thing
Plants
  • Perennial Climbers: various varieties available
  • Climbing Mysteria "Foulkes" : Long lasting and clings hard to any greasy surface. Needs regular watering and likes to be dug in with manure.
  • 'Our Lamont Rose'. Not hardy. Prefers deep shade. Its faintest tones of almost imperceptible pink set off perfectly the rich Cameron Blues and custard Yellow Cleggs in this season's unique Referendum Rose Garden. Thornless and unobtrusive, the specially created Lamont Rose has a delicate flower but its sickly scent will attract the increasingly rare Brit-gnat moth to the garden. These tend to gather on it to feed and lay their eggs. 
  • Long Grass: decorative and practical grass to hide a multitude of gardening sins


Order today and get your first delivery of 2015 season "Scorched Earth" half price