Saturday, 22 March 2014

The Lamont Dial-A-Spite Invective Prompt

Running out of insults to throw?

Invective becoming tired and ineffective?

Enemies laughing at your desperate smears?

Even the most experienced political mudslingers can find that there comes point where it just stops working. A time when no matter how deep they dig into the mud they can't think of another insult to throw.  The temptation to fall back on meaningless accusation and bitter smear can become overwhelming.

Luckily for burned out smearers and scaremongers there's a new product available which can being an end to this kind of "witterers block" 

The "Lamont" Dial-A-Spite Invective Prompt

The "Dial-A-Spite" is a personal device which can be worn discretely under normal clothing. Using patent-pending Torytech* technology "Dial-A-Spite" detects the moment when the invective runs out and sends a series of prompts direct to a near invisible earpiece. 

Using the unique "slime-slider" control the user can preset the level of "Dial-A-Spite" invective prompt up to the recommended level of 11 to guarantee that they will never run out of ways to abuse, revile, berate, and smear.

What Dial-A-Spite Users Say

“it is the most patronising and cynical con even this government has ever come up with.”
"narrow, neo-fascism of the nationalists".
 "The debate will go on in the sense there is a large number of wounded still to be bayoneted ..."
 “It appears the First Minister is a liar and used taxpayers’ money to try to cover up his lies.
Alex Salmond is running the most dishonest, deceptive and disgraceful political campaign ever"

Pre-Order Special Offer

Pre-order your Lamont Dial-A-Spite today and receive a free commemorative tea-towel printed with selected quotes from Johann Lamont's remarkably bitter 2014 Scottish Labour Conference address.

Sunday, 16 March 2014

Orange Juice / Scaremonger

The Scaremonger has no idea if the various members of fantastic 80's band Orange Juice have
stated positions on independence but they're singing our song.

Saturday, 15 March 2014

Fear, Grabbit & Runne

The Scottish Scaremonger 
in association with 
Fear, Grabbit & Runne
Specialist Estate Agency

We have been instructed  in confidence by a number of clients to discretely arrange the  future disposal of a number of assets including but not limited to;

  • Scorched Earth Plots
  • Former Domestic First or Second Homes
  • Commercial Headquarters Buildings 
  • Used Infrastructure Equipment (drilling platforms, submarine berths, Military encampments)
  • Various Palaces and Castles 

 All are offered with vacant possession form 19th September 2014
Your Homeless Report paid

All enquiries will dealt with in the strictest confidence unless publicity is deemed useful by our clients

Fear, Grabbit & Runne
1 Black Hole,
London SW1 2FU

Monday, 10 March 2014

The Gordon Brown Big Book of Cunning Plans

For Thinkers...who have been thinking very hard.

For Dreamers...who haven't really woken up.

For International Statesmen...who really, really should get more respect.

For Everyone...who hasn't really been paying attention.

The Gordon Brown Big Book of Cunning Plans is packed full of ideas that the ex-PM has been thinking about for almost a whole morning. Ideas which will capture the imagination of everyone who has not started to think for themselves yet. Ideas which have virtually zero chance of being implemented by the Westminster Parliament but which might convince voters that there is some reason to vote No .

Great Ideas such as;

  • More sort-of powers for Holyrood
  • Invisibility Cloaks for MP's
  • Maybe some more powers for the Scottish Parliament
  • A fleet of spaceships built by apprentices at Rosyth to bring cheese back from the Moon to stock Scotland's food banks.
  • Some magic beans which the kids will love.
  • A MagLev railway line running under the Atlantic from Manhattan to North Queensferry to improve traffic in "distinguished leaders" between Scotland and the USA.
  • A big carpetbag full of things  like Mary Poppins has.

Special Pre-Order Offer: order your copy of the The Gordon Brown Big Book of Cunning Plans today and get a free Gordon Brown _"T-Shirt-O-Cloth" the amazing all-in-one household cleaning aid and  Fashion accessory! "It's looks like a dreary old cleaning rag - and it is!"

Sunday, 2 March 2014

Who's Who Who Has Cash

A brilliant new addition to the Scaremonger "Essential Reference" range!

Who's Who Who Has Cash

We all know that fund raising can be a chore but this essential volume will take the hard work out of stinging strangers for cash.  With only the most wealthy and most credulous listed you'll be able to soak up plenty from people who just haven't bothered to think about what they're giving the money for.

One simple letter carefully written to push the prejudice buttons of our carefully selected target audience is almost guaranteed to deliver results.  "Who's Who Who Has Cash" includes a handy index of template please for cash to help you out'

Begging letter tempates include;

  • Save Eastenders from the Cybernats who want it banned in Scotland
  • Don't let John Swinney steal our pounds and give us groats
  • Did you know that the Scottish Government wants to make Alex Salmond President for Life?
  • Without your donation to defeat separatism Scotland could end up as poor as Norway
  • Thousands of Better Together activists are being forced to stay home due to a lack of funds.
Pre-order your copy of "Who's Who Who Has Cash" today and turn the tide.