The Smoking Gun...

Introducing "Smoking Gun" 

- a new service from The Scottish Scaremonger. 

There is a constant demand in today's fast moving media for freshly minted negative stories. However "Shock and Awe" press releases and a parade of outraged opposition figures are not enough to guarantee more than a day's coverage for your story from a voracious media. 

With "Smoking Gun" incriminating emails and documents can be created at the push of a button. Your next press release will be be guaranteed wall-to-wall coverage and your negative and bitter hand-wringing will dominate the news agenda. 

"Smoking Gun" offers a number of key benefits including;

• Instant Access
• Flexible Content Generation
• Media Ready Horror Headlines 
• Standard Conspiracy Theory Options 
• Leak Enquiry Stock Responses

You can set up "Smoking Gun" quickly and discretely. Prices are competitive and the resulting up-tick in your successful capture of the news agenda will have you coming back for more!

Special Offer - 2 free exclusive leaked emails if you order before end January 2016!

Inside the Tent

The Scaremonger Book Club

An Exclusive Launch Event for our first book

"Inside the Tent" by A.N. Chancer

Stories from behind the frontline of politics where shadowy figures are pulling the strings and plotting to tear Scotland out of the Union.

An insiders guide to what goes on in the murky world of Scottish politics where the SNP rule the roost with a rod of iron and dissent is crushed by a faceless army of cybernat enforcers

Blistering  insights from  former key personnel who say they know what they're talking about and have a lot to say anyway to anyone who'll listen and has a newspaper, radio or TV studio

Why it all went wrong even though  everything was right and who's to blame if not the stupid voters and why the SNP are bad and why it's just not fair

What next and a plan to make it all better that involves the SNP just going away and the sooner the better so that things can go back to normal

To register for the launch event and to pre-order a copy of "Inside the Tent" visit the members section of the Scaremonger Book Club website

Cereal Monsters

Cereal Monsters

It's been more than a year since the people of Scotland took the advice of our friends in "Better Together" and went back indoors to eat their cereal. 

Now the Scaremonger introduce our new range of scary cereals to help you and your family get fuelled up for busy days not thinking about the future.

• Loopy Waffles - Kezia's favourite
• Gran Flakes - with real flakes of gran!
• Gripe Nuts -  "the opposition cereal"
• Bland Flakes -  less texture and not so filling
• Snap, Crackling and Pop -  brings out the PM in you!
• Not-So-Special Call K - listen out for our radio ads!
• Supine Museli - with vitamin A(abstention)
• Co-Co Flops - a complementary box for every ex-MP 
• Shredded NEET - the teenage favourite
• Honeyed Crispy Cuts - perfect with warm words
• All Brown Vow Clusters - (contents may settle in transit)
  
• Get on Your Ricicles - and look for work
• Ready Wreck - perfect when you need to make those "tough decisions"
• Cuts So Simple -  a recipe straight from the kitchen of No. 11 Downing Street!
• Bleat-A-Bix - get ready for the weekly FMQ's 
• Oaty-Rollovers - you won't be able to oppose these great flavours

The Old Time Fudge Maker

The Old Time Fudge Maker

Manufactured by "Corbyn of Islington"  this traditionally styled fudge maker will brighten up any kitchen large, small or second.

Fill the fudge machine with your selected ingredients and pull down on the classic starting handle and settle back to watch the Old Time Fudge Maker get to work.

Purely decorative wheels and cogs spin, rattle and clank while the Old Time Fudge Maker utilises age old processes to transform the original ingredients into a smooth and digestible fudge with just delicate hints of flavour.

Comes complete with the following starter flavour packs;

                      

• Explosive Trident Blood Orange
• Bitter Lemon Unionist 
• Gullible Ginger Scot
• Fiscally Responsible Jam
• SNPBaad Butterscotch!

Our Kind of Movie?

Our Kind Of Movie?

http://imdb.com/rg/an_share/title/title/tt4062536/

Edinburgh Festival Special

"THE BEST OF THE FEST" 

With thousands of shows to choose from at this year's Edinburgh Festivals The Scaremonger  has some suggestions of shows we believe will appeal to our customers.  

Street Theatre: "Not-So-Sunny Jim" - our favourite street performer returns. "Shouting at strangers has never sounded so angry"

.

Drama: 40 Angry Men - a new play with an ensemble cast of well known and not so well known faces explore the challenges faced by the newly unemployed in an unsympathetic benefits system.

Opera: The Cunning Little Vixen - a new production of this classic tale of intrigue as the eponymous heroine plots the destruction of her historic foes.

Drama: A Tale of Two Cities: A new adaptation of the classic novel. Ruth must decide, East or West? Edinburgh or Glasgow? Cynical carpet-bagging opportunism or hard headed calculation?

Musical Theatre: '"Labour in Scotland - The Musical!"

Don't miss 'Labour in Scotland - The Musical'! You'll be singing and dancing in the aisles as our ex-MPs and staffers cast reprise all the old favourites, including: 'Feeble Forty', 'Donkey With A Red Rosette', 'Last Gravy Train To Westminster', 'Branch Office', 'Too Wee, Too Poor, Too Stupid', 'All I Want For Christmas Is My Gold-Plated Pension', 'R-E-D-T-O-R-Y', I'm Talking About A Triangulation Revolution'. Plus the smash new hits 'SNPbad!', 'Hegemony Blues' and just released, 'Jumping On The Corbyn Bandwagon'.

Ballet and Dance: The Rite of Spring - The annual humiliation of the opposition is captured in this magical ballet. Certain to delight young and old alike.

http://cliparts.co/clipart/2465529

The Abstention Handbook

THE ABSTENTION HANDBOOK

Packed with useful tips and strategies the Scaremonger Abstention Handbook will help you navigate through the complex maze of issues where you might be tempted to reveal your true position on controversial policy issues.

The Abstention Handbook is available in both print and ebook editions.

Easy to read and understand, the Abstention Handbook is a crucial tool already being used daily by the leaders of the Labour Party in Westminster.

*Subscribers to the ebook edition will also receive free updates with new pages being added automatically

Labour Leadership Kit

LABOUR LEADERSHIP KIT

With nominations now closed The Scaremonger is pleased to announce that we can now supply our exclusive 

"Labour Leadership Kit" 

No would-be Labour leader will want to try and tackle this most thankless of tasks without the best possible advice and equipment. The Scaremonger "Labour Leadership Kit" includes a range of helpful items including;

• Parliamentary Invisibility Cloak
• Map of  Nowheresville and Shit Creek County
• Canoe (no paddles included)
• No picnic
• Set of Lang Spoons
• Brown Trousers
• Snakeskin Gloves
• Poison Chalice
• Pack of Cards with additional jokers
• Tin Ear
• Key to a darkened room
• Pair of incompetence pants
• A New Broom with replaceable head and handle
• A stab proof frontless vest
• Union Tie (optional)
• An unused policy forum
• Knee protectors
• Copy of the "Jim Murphy Guide to Electoral Success"
• Laminated copy of the Scottish Labour Westminster MP Group directory 

The Alistair Carmichael Songbook

"Do You Want to Know a Secret"

"Careless Whispers"

"Telephone Line"

"Karma-Charmichaeleon"

"Would I lie to You?"

"Tellin' Stories"

"Secret Island"

"The Great Pretender"

"Headlines"

You Haven't Done Nothin'

"I've Got a Feeling I'm Falling"

"Jump"

and many, many more!

Order "The Alistair Carmichael Songbook" today and receive an exclusive commemorative flexidisc of the forthcoming audiobook "The Scottish Labour Manifesto 2015 as written by William McGonagall and read in the style of Molly Weir"

Clearance Sale!

DON'T MISS OUT ON THE GREAT BARGAINS IN THE SCAREMONGER POST-ELECTION SALE!

Our famous post-election clearance sale will include some amazing and often to be repeated bargains including;

• "Scottish" Labour, LibDem, Conservative and UKIP* Manifestos 

Barely Read!

These mint condition publications have been carefully printed and published but are now available in pristine unread condition.

*Please note that the UKIP Manifesto will be printed on top quality Asda 'Basics' copier paper and hand stapled by highly skilled British workers!...Honest.

• The Jim Murphy Shirt Collection

A great chance to snap up one of "sunny" Jim's sweaty old "fitba" tops. Ideal for lad orientated photo ops! 

• Genuine "handwritten" Letters

There's nothing more convincing than a personal letter from your local candidate. The Scaremonger has a large supply of generic voter ready "handwritten" letters suitable for any future campaign.

•  Dodgy Graphs

Some say that politics needs more straight talking and honesty. At the Scaremonger we believe that one essential ingredient to any campaign is a steady supply of misleading and downright dodgy graphs...and we've got loads available at giveaway prices!

and much, much more. 

Remember - these bargains will be gone soon so order today to ensure you don't miss out.

Crowd Control Pack

Crowd Control Technology

Large crowds of supporters can present political campaigners with real difficulties. Not only are the crowds colourful and liable to attract even more people to your event they can also be boisterous and distracting. 

Expert advice is clear - crowds should be just large enough to provide a colourful background but never too big. 

The Scaremonger "Crowd Control Pack" has been successfully used by numerous campaigners throughout this General Election campaign and in last years Scottish Separation  referendum. 

See the Scaremonger "Crowd Control Pack" at work in Glasgow and Edinburgh in these campaign pictures;

Crowds are maintained at the optimum level

Media management enhanced

                     

Public engagement risks minimised

Meanwhile politicians who don't use this scaremonger exclusive product risk letting their message go unheard;

Shambolic  over-engagement

SNP  Leader - Getting it all wrong.

.                   

Simply too popular!

Rule-It-Out Coalition Contra-indicator

"Rule It Out" - The Coalition Contra-indicator 

* Election Special Offer

* Ideal Campaigning Tool

* "Tory-Tech" Technolgy
* Optimised for post-referendum scenarios  

The "Rule-It-Out" campaign tool combines proven traditional campaign techniques with cutting edge technology to provide campaigners with a quick and simple method to decide which non existent coalition possibilities to rule out.

When confronted with a tricky potential coalition proposition the user simply calibrates the "Rule-It-Out" and the optimum  "Rule-It-Out" solution is displayed. 

The "Rule-It-Out" Coalition Contra-indicator is available in both pocket sized or desk top versions. 

The Murphy Announce-A-Tron

The "Murphy" Announce-A-Tron

• Instant Policy Initiatives!
• Any Topic Big or Small!
• 24/7 Operation!
• Fool-proof Operating System!

The new "Murphy" Announce-A-Tron provides a simple and reliable solution to all your policy initiative and promotion problems. 

Utilising the latest patented "tory-tech" technology the "Murphy" Announce-A-Tron can generate unlimited policy initiatives.

A bespoke range of settings put you in control of the quantity and quality of your "Murphy" Announce-A-Tron policy pronouncements.  

A "NEW" POLICY ANOUNCEMENT EVERY DAY...AT THE TOUCH OF A BUTTON! 




Choose  from the following policy initiative types;

• Retread
• Borrowed
• Comical
• Pointless
• Plagiarised
• Opportunistic
• Cauld Kale
• Daft Laddie
• Fictional
• Ambiguous
• Disingenuous
• Tsunami
• Patriotic
• Idiotic
• Yes. We have no bananas

All "Murphy" Announce-A-Tron policy pronouncements are fully "Record" compliant and  "BBC ready".

For more information about the "Murphy" Announce-A-Tron see tomorrow's newspapers!

Festival of Vow

Sign up now for our new annual festival - "Groundhog Vow Day"

Each year on February 2nd the Scottish Scaremonger will be organising a "Festival of Vow", a family-of-nations friendly opportunity for Labour party spokespeople to have a fresh stab at making a convincing promise to deliver something they don't believe in really.

The full programme for the inaugural "Festival of Vow" will released in a blaze of publicity sometime after the General Election but will include a range of seminars including;

• "Making it Up: Vows for Beginners"
• "Obscurity and Vagueness: Advanced Vow Making"
• "Tough Luck Suckers: Post Vow Strategies"

Pre-Registration for this unmissable event now open.

#GroundhogVow #FestivalofVow

Red Calculator

The "Murphy" Electronic Calculator

The "Murphy" electronic calculator makes the difficult arithmetic involved in outbidding your political rivals easy. 

A carefully designed ergonomic keyboard allows speedy input of your additional 1000 pledges.

*Available in Red, Blue or whatever colour seems popular

Giant Pound Sale

Unbeatable Value!     Never lose a pound coin again!

Get some real political currency in your pocket!   As seen on TV!

 The Scaremonger has secured a large stock of Giant and Extra-large pound coins. An essential campaign tool the Giant Pound has been seen at carefully planned spontaneous events all over Scotland and beyond. Now you too can own a personal supply of these expertly crafted Giant Pounds.

SPECIAL OFFER: Order a Giant Pound today and get a free penny!

Precision built in our dedicated facility

Perfect for hiding behind!

Kids love them!

Personalise with your favourite face!

Special "who am I?" editions.

Have a rubbish parade!