The Keir Starmer Inaction Figure

 

From the Scaremonger toy collection...

The Keir Starmer "Inaction" figure...

*Please note that the Keir Starmer Inaction Figure has no fast moving parts but may prove harmful to children and other civilians

 

The Gordon Brown 
Lightweight Thought Collective

"Reheating old ideas for the new age"

Providing a focal point for the old themes of the unionist double-think, deflection and jam-tomorrow blue sky delusion, the Gordon Brown Lightweight Thought Collective will bring together some of the weariest minds in Scotland. 

Our advisory board has already been recruiting some of the least known thinkers in Scotland, from Professors of something,  ex-minor party Leaders at a loose end, twitter addicts and under-employed sycophants, to build a team which will get the attention of journalists with space to fill.

If you'd like to join our team we've got spaces available for the right kind of people. You'll need to have a closed mind and be totally committed to promoting an agenda of constitutional reform for the UK which you know has zero chance of being enacted. 

You'll also need to have your own blinkers, and be able to navigate your way around the elephant in the room while being able to avoid thinking the evidently thinkable. You'll need to be willing to pledge undying loyalty to our principles of democracy and hereditary monarchy. 

Apply today! Jam tomorrow!

 

In Stock!

Order today to guarantee disappointment.

The "Jackie Baillie" Classic Ear Defender

The "Jackie Baillie" ear defender utilises our latest scaremonger technology to block out any unwanted answers.

Wearing our ear defenders you'll be safe from hearing coherent explanations, letting you plough on with your scheduled outrage.

Made in our dedicated production facility on the banks of Gareloch the Jackie Baillie ear defender is finished in a choice of colours, unconvincing red or subtle blue.

These unique ear defenders also have a built-in glow in the dark function operated at the flick of a red button, and an integrated Geiger counter for extra safety.

  "It's Health and Safety gone mad"

 

Get Ready For Brexit - Exclusive

Get Ready For Brexit - World Exclusive

The Scaremonger can bring you a first look at the UK Government's new £100m "Get Ready For Brexit" campaign. The campaign will bring the "Precious Union"© closer together by summoning up the Agincourt, Cartegena, Saratoga and Suez spirit that saw our "Family of Nations"© through more world wars than you can shake a Pearly King or Queen at.  

New! - "ColourMyWay" Election Correction Eyewear

These Amazing  Glasses Could Change Your Outlook On Politics Forever!

New from the Scaremonger Technology Workshops! 

These amazing glasses will change everything. Endorsed by "popular" leader of the Conservatives in Scotland, Ruth "Tank Commander" Davidson, the Scaremonger "ColourMyWay" Eyewear range provides a stylish alternative to facing up to reality.

Put on your "ColourMyWay" glasses and instantly the world looks the way you'd like it to be.  "ColourMyWay"  is already working for top Tories who don't want to face up to the truth of the SNP's victory in the 2019 Euro Elections and it could soon be working for you too. 

Book your free trial today!

             

New from the Scaremonger Home Collection....

The "Theresa May speaking clock"

Push the button on the "Theresa May speaking clock" and you'll hear the strong and stable tones of the Prime Minister provide a real-time update from the home of time itself, Westminster, in the heart of London.

This new stylish clock from the Scaremonger Home Collection is sure to appeal to anyone with an interest in horological innovation and the latest digital technology.

The "Theresa May speaking clock" will not be available in any shops but you can pre-order it now in our online store.

Dark Clouds Ahead - Coming Soon

Coming soon from Scaremonger Books

A new collection from Scotland's foremost political and economic soothsayer. An antidote to the baseless optimism of the proponents of independence Gordon Browns insights illuminate the desperate future facing Scotland if it chooses to leave "the most successful political union in history".

Register now for the opportunity to pre-order an advance extract from this forthcoming Bargain Books slow seller.

The Gordon Brown Alarm Clock

Traditionally styled and with an enduring character redolent of another age the "Gordon Brown" alarm clock from the new Scaremonger Home range will appeal to anyone who worries about missing important "brownouncements".

Unique features of the "Brown" model include;

• Pre-set annual alarm for "Brown Day"
• Available in "Faded Red", "Moody Blue" and "Doomsday Grey"
• Nuclear tipped glow-in-the-dark hands
• Permanently set at 3 minutes to midnight
• Clever unhinged rear panel for easy access
• Classic unbalanced bells for unmissable discordant alerts
• Multiple easy to change faces

Pre-orders for this stylish piece will be delivered in time for next "Brown Day" 

Faded Blue

Doomsday Grey

Now in Stock for 2018

Introducing the latest *Sewel Approved All Purpose "Power Grab"

Don't miss out on this amazing new product from the Scaremonger. 

Just apply as required, wait for a maximum of 15 minutes and your power hold is secure.

Forth Bridge Shock Announcement

STOP PRESS......

THE TRUTH!....THE REAL REASON FOR QUEENSFERRY CROSSING DELAY 

The Scottish Government have finally admitted that the new Forth Crossing will be delayed by up to six months but only the Scottish Scaremonger is prepared to reveal the real reasons for the delay.

Our research has proven beyond doubt that far from being intended to create a vital link between the deprived communities of Fife and the vibrant cultural and economic heartland of North Britain in the Lothians the Scottish Government is secretly planning to extend the bridge for a further 410 miles and create a direct link between Scotland and France in the event of a Leave vote in the #EUref this month.

In the event of a #Brexit vote on the 23rd June the Scottish Government intend to give the green light to an ambitious plan to circumvent the consequences of a Leave vote and keep Scotland connected directly with the heart of the world's largest trading block.

As a high level motorway with no exits the new extended crossing will enable Scots to drive directly from North Queensferry to Calais for the first time. 

The extended Queensferry Crossing would also be renamed to reflect it's new role but a Scottish Government source denied that the First Minister had suggested Bridgey McBridgeFace as a possibility.

Pubic Relations Triumph!

Scare Scotland Associates

Public Affairs Consultants

- Case Study - Ruth Davidson Party 

Our new Public affairs and public relations arm "Scare Scotland Associates" has registered it's first big score with a successful strategy which has turned the public perception of the Leader of the one of the country's minor political parties, the Ruth Davidson Party, into page 4 news across a wide range of media outlets.

Our experienced team developed a multi-faceted campaign which created a laser like focus on the key policy elements of the Ruth Davidson Party which were preventing it being taken seriously as an intellectual or political force and removed them from public debate.

Stage One:
Creating a public engagement strategy which was both vibrant and vacuous, colourful yet incoherent was one that our team tackled head on.  We identified that the public saw the current Ruth Davidson Party members as pointless crackpots, weird, dangerous and downright nasty so our decision was to ensure that as few of them as possible were seen or heard. Once we had neutralised the madder elements of the party we moved on to...

Stage Two:
Far more challenging in the modern media environment was taking the only part of the Ruth Davidson Party which was viewed by the public as laughable rather grotesquely vindictive and use that to recalibrate the public perception.  With the help of our well placed media contacts we were able to recast our clients as the stupid party. A series of ridiculous photo-ops was organised and received massive unquestioned exposure across the mainstream print and broadcast media which resulted in...

Stage Three:
By casting the Ruth Davidson Party as a "not-a-government, policy-lite, anti-indyref-till-we-die, we-love-the-colour-orange, David-Cameron?-never-heard-of him", Great-British-Bake-Off" party we were successful in persuading less than a quarter of the voters to support them at the polls. This allowed implementation of...

Stage Five:
Perhaps the most audacious move but possible because of the uncritical support of the nations worst papers the Ruth Davidson Party could claim a "mandate" and make "demands" which even though they would be ridiculed and ignored by the actual winners of the election would give the appearance of political success.

Stage Six:
Our invoice is submitted for payment.

Scottish Labour Policy Machine

The Scottish Labour Policy Machine

A rare glimpse inside the heart of Scottish Labour's policy department where the daily task of selecting the tax policy of the leader ahead of the 2016 Holyrood election has been modernised with the introduction of the latest technology.

Preparing for the European Referendum

Scaremonger Exclusive!

First pictures of preparations for the forthcoming European referendum.

David Cameron raises the ghost of Project Fear in readiness for "Euro-Ref"

Some Better Together veterans get back together on the canvass trail to demand British independence this time!

No threat to workers rights says Iain Duncan Smith

Jeremy Corbyn is ready to lead the...er....in...or...out-ish campaign

Chancellor Merkel prepares to hold back the tears in the event of Brexit

Social Network Name Generator

Social Network Name Generator 

New for 2016  

Ideal for calling out separatist agitators online - but without fear of being hunted down by the angry army of "cybernat" hooligans.

Finding the ideal twitter name for your anonymous account can be the first big challenge for any dedicated pro-union scaremonger who wants to take the fight onto the enemy ground - the internet.

The Scaremonger's simple "Twitter Handle Matrix" can solve this most tricky of hurdles in just three easy steps;

• You select your preferred first name from the list provided
• Our software will then select a surname from our database
• You personalise your new "handle" from the option list of dates, titles and suffixes

Among our satisfied customers already hard at work on a social network near you; 

• CR.Inge1707
• billy.mophead1672
• blair.warhero2003
• billy.broadshoulders30
• juicy.naranja999999999
• sally.lickspittle
• tom.tridentboom1
• stickwit.sterling
• granny.frightner
• brexit.gotcha2017
• lizzy.catspurr
• towee.toopoor1
• runaway.george1302
• ET.Ure-cereal
• and many, many more

Join today - and tomorrow you can be making your country proud as you fire volleys of targeted scares and abuse at the torn faced enemies of the union from your keyboard on the front line of the war in cyber-space! 

The Smoking Gun...

Introducing "Smoking Gun" 

- a new service from The Scottish Scaremonger. 

There is a constant demand in today's fast moving media for freshly minted negative stories. However "Shock and Awe" press releases and a parade of outraged opposition figures are not enough to guarantee more than a day's coverage for your story from a voracious media. 

With "Smoking Gun" incriminating emails and documents can be created at the push of a button. Your next press release will be be guaranteed wall-to-wall coverage and your negative and bitter hand-wringing will dominate the news agenda. 

"Smoking Gun" offers a number of key benefits including;

• Instant Access
• Flexible Content Generation
• Media Ready Horror Headlines 
• Standard Conspiracy Theory Options 
• Leak Enquiry Stock Responses

You can set up "Smoking Gun" quickly and discretely. Prices are competitive and the resulting up-tick in your successful capture of the news agenda will have you coming back for more!

Special Offer - 2 free exclusive leaked emails if you order before end January 2016!

Inside the Tent

The Scaremonger Book Club

An Exclusive Launch Event for our first book

"Inside the Tent" by A.N. Chancer

Stories from behind the frontline of politics where shadowy figures are pulling the strings and plotting to tear Scotland out of the Union.

An insiders guide to what goes on in the murky world of Scottish politics where the SNP rule the roost with a rod of iron and dissent is crushed by a faceless army of cybernat enforcers

Blistering  insights from  former key personnel who say they know what they're talking about and have a lot to say anyway to anyone who'll listen and has a newspaper, radio or TV studio

Why it all went wrong even though  everything was right and who's to blame if not the stupid voters and why the SNP are bad and why it's just not fair

What next and a plan to make it all better that involves the SNP just going away and the sooner the better so that things can go back to normal

To register for the launch event and to pre-order a copy of "Inside the Tent" visit the members section of the Scaremonger Book Club website

Cereal Monsters

Cereal Monsters

It's been more than a year since the people of Scotland took the advice of our friends in "Better Together" and went back indoors to eat their cereal. 

Now the Scaremonger introduce our new range of scary cereals to help you and your family get fuelled up for busy days not thinking about the future.

• Loopy Waffles - Kezia's favourite
• Gran Flakes - with real flakes of gran!
• Gripe Nuts -  "the opposition cereal"
• Bland Flakes -  less texture and not so filling
• Snap, Crackling and Pop -  brings out the PM in you!
• Not-So-Special Call K - listen out for our radio ads!
• Supine Museli - with vitamin A(abstention)
• Co-Co Flops - a complementary box for every ex-MP 
• Shredded NEET - the teenage favourite
• Honeyed Crispy Cuts - perfect with warm words
• All Brown Vow Clusters - (contents may settle in transit)
  
• Get on Your Ricicles - and look for work
• Ready Wreck - perfect when you need to make those "tough decisions"
• Cuts So Simple -  a recipe straight from the kitchen of No. 11 Downing Street!
• Bleat-A-Bix - get ready for the weekly FMQ's 
• Oaty-Rollovers - you won't be able to oppose these great flavours

The Old Time Fudge Maker

The Old Time Fudge Maker

Manufactured by "Corbyn of Islington"  this traditionally styled fudge maker will brighten up any kitchen large, small or second.

Fill the fudge machine with your selected ingredients and pull down on the classic starting handle and settle back to watch the Old Time Fudge Maker get to work.

Purely decorative wheels and cogs spin, rattle and clank while the Old Time Fudge Maker utilises age old processes to transform the original ingredients into a smooth and digestible fudge with just delicate hints of flavour.

Comes complete with the following starter flavour packs;

                      

• Explosive Trident Blood Orange
• Bitter Lemon Unionist 
• Gullible Ginger Scot
• Fiscally Responsible Jam
• SNPBaad Butterscotch!

Our Kind of Movie?

Our Kind Of Movie?

http://imdb.com/rg/an_share/title/title/tt4062536/

Edinburgh Festival Special

"THE BEST OF THE FEST" 

With thousands of shows to choose from at this year's Edinburgh Festivals The Scaremonger  has some suggestions of shows we believe will appeal to our customers.  

Street Theatre: "Not-So-Sunny Jim" - our favourite street performer returns. "Shouting at strangers has never sounded so angry"

.

Drama: 40 Angry Men - a new play with an ensemble cast of well known and not so well known faces explore the challenges faced by the newly unemployed in an unsympathetic benefits system.

Opera: The Cunning Little Vixen - a new production of this classic tale of intrigue as the eponymous heroine plots the destruction of her historic foes.

Drama: A Tale of Two Cities: A new adaptation of the classic novel. Ruth must decide, East or West? Edinburgh or Glasgow? Cynical carpet-bagging opportunism or hard headed calculation?

Musical Theatre: '"Labour in Scotland - The Musical!"

Don't miss 'Labour in Scotland - The Musical'! You'll be singing and dancing in the aisles as our ex-MPs and staffers cast reprise all the old favourites, including: 'Feeble Forty', 'Donkey With A Red Rosette', 'Last Gravy Train To Westminster', 'Branch Office', 'Too Wee, Too Poor, Too Stupid', 'All I Want For Christmas Is My Gold-Plated Pension', 'R-E-D-T-O-R-Y', I'm Talking About A Triangulation Revolution'. Plus the smash new hits 'SNPbad!', 'Hegemony Blues' and just released, 'Jumping On The Corbyn Bandwagon'.

Ballet and Dance: The Rite of Spring - The annual humiliation of the opposition is captured in this magical ballet. Certain to delight young and old alike.

http://cliparts.co/clipart/2465529