Wave Powered Blame Machine

Labour, Conservative and LibDem politicians have united to back the Scottish Scaremonger call for the Scottish Government to back the exciting new environmentally friendly technology which powers the cutting edge "Wave Blame Machine".

LibDem spokesman Angus Nomark claimed that the Scottish government was refusing to back the scheme because one of the scientists behind the project had voted No in the referendum. " I don't know if that's true but its the sort of thing Willie Rennie would say" said Mr Nomark.

Designer of the "Wave Blame Machine" Professor Eileen Wrightward of the Institute of Mechanical Unity claims it can "harness the power of the sea to generate stories blaming the SNP, Scottish Government and other elements of the Yes movement for things that have gone wrong or might go wrong or might be claimed to have gone wrong even if they have gone right". 

Opposition parties claim that if successful the "Wave Blame Machine" would free up countless journalists to concentrate on breathless reporting of Jim Murphy's photo opportunities and press releases. Others would be available to write important pieces explaining that Ruth Davidson has become Scotland's most popular and respected politician since the beginning of recorded history or that Willie Rennie is still there.

No one from the Scottish Government could be bothered to comment.

The Grand Tour

Scottish Scaremonger Tours 

The "No-bodies" Tour of Scotland

A post-indyref tour to connect with the people and places that contributed so much to facing down the threat of narrow nationalism, social justice, peace and prosperity

The "No-bodies" Tour itinerary will give you the chance to visit some of the iconic locations and buildings that featured in the Better Together campaign to save Britain.

From the far flung Northern Isles which almost no one had heard of before to the edge of "Middleland" where a pile of rubble was created to symbolise the unity of the British people the Scaremonger No-bodies Tour will recreate the stirring spirit of  the UKOK campaign.

Day 1 - From Horned Helmets to Cow Pies - Shetland to Dundee 

Shetland: A herring themed  buffet breakfast at the Lerwick Town Hall where David Cameron made a secret visit to address 100 invited business guests and politicians.

Aberdeen: A completely private "public" meeting to be held in the secure boardroom of  oil giant Shell UK where the UK cabinet met in a show of solidarity with the  multi-national corporations threatened by a Yes vote.

Fochabers: A celebration "Soup-A-Thon" with a group of proxy No voters from a local nursing home.

Dundee: A clandestine meeting at Desperate Dan's statue in the heart of one of Scotland's insurgent Yes-towns followed by a drive-by salute of DC Thomsons HQ building. Tour participants should bring inconspicuous clothing and facial disguises for this incursion into the Heart of Darkness-on-Tay.

Dundee: A wreath laying ceremony in celebrate the commitment  of the brave volunteer mercilessly mocked as the "Lonely Better Together Lady" after she led the campaign in Baxter Park.




Day 2 -  From Kingdom to Kingsknowe - Kirkcaldy to Edinburgh

Kirkcaldy: A minutes silence at the spot in the High Street where brave Jim Murphy faced down a hostile egg wielding thug. At the conclusion of the minutes silence there will be 30 minutes of tribute bellowing and braying.

Loanhead Miners Welfare:  A rousing performance of Gordon Brown's "near federalism" speech by international superstar John Barrowman.



Our special "Walk the Union" tour of indyref locations in the regional capital city includes





Edinburgh: Tea and Tunnocks tea cakes at the Standard Life staff canteen where David Cameron gave an emotional address while sitting on a high stool.

Edinburgh: The tour will take in visits to the Head Office Brass Plates outside the RBS and Bank of Scotland 

Edinburgh: A visit to "Edinburgh's Disgrace" where the Scottish branch leaders of the main political parties held an impressive photo call. 

Edinburgh: An impromptu saluting ceremony at the giant Union Flag at Edinburgh Castle

Edinburgh:  A visit to the Fleet Street of Edinburgh, Orchard Brae, to try and spot the rented offices of The Scotsman newspaper.

Edinburgh:The very rear entrance of the Point Hotel in Bread Street where George Osborne attempted to avoid STV's Bernard Ponsonby after the "Sermon on the Pound"

Edinburgh: Kingknowe Road Scotmid Co-op where an early BBC supported photo call saw brave UKOK volunteers demonstrate how to hand out leaflets to people you already know.




Day 3 - From Big Wheel to Little Hill - Falkirk to Gretna

Falkirk: A visit to heroic truth telling superstore Asda who stood up for the rights of corporations against their customers. You'll be able to stand exactly where Johann Lamont stood for her press photo shoot.

Stirling: A chance to take part in a re-enactment of the infamous Battle of Armed Forces Day (face painting not available)

Glasgow: Veterans of the nationalist provoked 19th September riots will lead a tour of  St Georges Square and discuss the key moments of the day including how they tried to give a young girl back her Saltire but who insisted that they took it away. Also a visit to the spot where British patriots stood up for gay rights in the face of intense provocation.

Glasgow:Guided walk from Central Station to Buchanan Street following the route taken by over 100 Labour MP's as they fought off waves of ridicule to join a massive pro-union rally just behind Donald Dewar's statue. 

Glasgow: A chance to see the "Home of the Vow" when we drive past the offices of  The Daily Record.

Gretna: The final stop on the tour will be at Rory Stewart's soaring near 8 foot tall Union Cairn which was built by a group of enthusiastic JCB drivers for no more than normal rates of pay as a signal of their commitment to the Union.

Book today for the Scaremonger No-bodies Tour and claim a special discount for the forthcoming Gordon Brown "Look At Me, Look At Me!" comeback tour

Labour Leadership Kit-

Scottish Labour Leadership Kit

Running for Leader?     Need to impress with your leadership skills?     Desperate?

The all-new Scaremonger Scottish Labour Leadership Kit will provide you with everything you need to impress the tens of voters you'll need to secure the leadership of the Labour Party's Scottish section. 

A strictly limited edition, the Scaremonger Labour Leadership Kit comes carefully vacuum packed in a specially designed handcart style souvenir box embossed with the telephone number of the Labour HQ in London. 

Each kit includes;

• Crocodile Tear Shoes - ideal for campaign visits to busy food banks 
• Soft Soap Gift Box - smooths rough edges and difficult moments 
• "Miss Me Quip Hat" - unique sense of humour by-pass headgear
• Apology Template Slider - compose sincere apologies for every occasion
• "London Road" Knee-Pads - essential protective gear  
• Backstabber Vest - extra reinforcement across the shoulder blades
• Disloyalty Card - earn points to redeem on exclusive gifts

Order the Scottish Labour Leadership Kit today and get a free tub of  AD Vanishing Cream - "it's perfect Darling!"

Pop Up Patsy

A Great New Family Game

Hours of fun for all!
 

Who will make the patsy pop up out of the bottom of the barrel?

"Patsy" is hiding at the bottom of the barrel. Can you make "Patsy" jump out into the open? Players take turns  to push rolled up copies of the Daily Record into the barrel to make ""Patsy" jump. The winner gets to wear a genuine plastic Deputy badge and take messages from the real bosses in London.



 

"Local Leader" Crown of Thorns

Labour Leadership Special!

Back in Stock - 

The Scaremonger special Labour-Local-Leader 

ceremonial headband

Made from 100% twisted facts

Multiple "genuine" pricks for that pained expression

Optional "nuts" and "barking mad" decorations

Available in Nut-Brown or Lily-Livered White

Order today and get a special "martyrs goonie" absolutely free!

*Labour-Local-Leader operating instructions are available to download from our London office

Create-A-Debate Kit

The Scaremonger "Create-A-Debate" Kit

• Self Important?
• Pompous?
• Got nothing to say but want to say it at great length?
• Personal profile needing raised?

The Scaremonger "Create-A-Debate" kit is designed to help people whose personal or public profile has declined in relevance and reputation. When the bairns stop laughing at you in the street and ex-President stops ringing you'll need to act decisively to restore your place in the media spotlight. That's where the Scaremonger "Create-A-Debate" kit comes in. 

Each "Create-A-Debate" kit contains everything you'll need to arrange a pointless but high profile event which will propel you back into the limelight. The kit includes;

• A "Don't You Know Who I Am" badge
• Contact details for malleable and lazy newspaper/television journalists who'll print any old rubbish to fill a page or two minutes of screen time.
• Booking details for an appropriately "impressive" venue ( available venues include Parliamentary Chambers, PLC canteens  and Miners Welfare Clubs)
• A range of template speeches ranging from "incoherently passionate and angry" to "confusingly angry and betrayed"

Our satisfied customers are already dominating the headlines in the newspapers and on television. "It's been amazing!" says G.B. "I'd never have thought it would be so easy to get acres of coverage and nobody ever asks a difficult question. I've already recommended the Scaremonger "Create-A-Debate" to all the world leaders I know very well".  

Order "Create-A-Debate" today and get a free "I'm Back!" A2 laminated poster.

Don't Miss The Scaremonger Stock Clearance!

STOCK CLEARANCE 

INCREDIBLE BARGAINS IN THE SALE OF THE YEAR!

With a UK General Election and a possible EU In-Out Referendum just around the corner the Scottish Scaremonger need to make room for exciting new ranges of frights and scares to provide our renowned levels of service to both existing and new customers across this "family of cowering nations".

The Scaremonger Clearance Sale offers you the chance to pick up top quality scares at rock-bottom prices. Of course stocks will be limited, demand strong and filled on a "first come first served" basis so please order soon to avoid disappointment.

Clearance Offers Include;

"Secret" Dossiers: Beautifully presented "secret" dossiers. Each dossier comes with dramatic "Top Secret" stamps, unflattering black and white photos of a Scottish Cabinet Minister and carefully redacted reports. Other pages are blank for your own content.

North Sea Oil Reserve Estimates: A range of authoritative estimates with options from "gloomy" to "despairing". The report can be combined with our customisable  "barrel price" product for even greater depressive effect.

Supermarket Till Receipts: Ideal for kids! Playing at shops has never been so scary. Watch the kids faces fall when they see how much milk costs in Ireland!

Head Office Relocation Kits: Each kit contains one brass plate with four screws together with a solicitors letter. 

Border Posts: Fully non-realistic border posts complete with fictional guards and imaginary passport officials. 

A Rogues Gallery of Yes Yobs

The Scaremonger Rogues Gallery

Noam Chomsky and Joseph Stiglitz - Dialectical intimidation of John Reid who then refused to put up a No poster in his house.Shameful thuggery.

Patrick Harvie - raised his voice briefly in a debate about organic farming and independence, upsetting Nigel Farage who was watching in his local and, in shock, had to be helped home. 

Other Green Party activists - stirring yoghurts too loudly outside home of Jim Murphy, Surely this kind of unruly behaviour is a police matter?

John Swinney - even hard-bitten Deutsche Bank executives were close to tears at hard-man Swinney's vicious balancing of the Scottish budget. 

Pat Kane -  With his reckless overuse of multi-syllabic word play street fighter Kane has been bludgeoning a succession of proud patriots inside and outside TV studios across the land.

Elaine C Smith - Paid up member of the nationalist Thespian Taliban Smith has been terrorising unsuspecting audiences on stage and screen with her theatrical propaganda. No wonder union loving actors are cowering in their green rooms afraid to step into the limelight.

Brain Drain Shock!

Stop Press! - Exclusive!

Scotland's gutters will be relocated south of the border in the event of a Yes vote on Thursday revealed the pro-union "Let's Be Frightened" campaign group. 

A spokesman for "Let's Be Frightened" told the Scaremonger that as the gutters were mainly used by the London based media, pro-union campaigners based in London and the Westminster political parties it was only sensible that they be relocated in the event of a Yes vote.

"This is not scaremongering but a sensible reaction to the pathological authoritarianism of Pol Pot wannabe Alex Salmond and his cybernat army of SNP shock-troops who have plans to round up everyone and make them eat out-of-date Stornoway Black Pudding and drink pond water." said the spokesman.

No one from the Yes campaign was asked to comment so it must be true.

The "No-Plan" Seven Day Diet

The “No-Plan” one week diet of scares

A seven day scaremonger plan that will have the pounds falling away!

1.       Come Clean Alex!  No soap in indy-Scotland say experts.  With no indigenous large scale soap industry cottage craft soap makers will be unable to meet demand after border controls imposed.

2.       Tolled Off! – John Swinney has a secret plan to re-impose bridge tolls on Forth and Tay after a Yes vote to punish Gordon Brown.

3.       Rock Bottom! – Salmond distraught as Kylie fails to join Yes campaign.

4.       Call Me Paddy! -  Green leader Patrick Harvie promises brown rice will replace chips as Scots staple after Yes.

5.       Cuffing Hell! – Shock for Scots coppers as it is revealed that their handcuffs rely on “English” keys.

6.       Hopping Mad! – Patriotic Kent farmers will refuse to sell to Scots brewers if “crazy” Salmond gets currency union.   

7.       Tipping Point! – British scientists believe that Scotland will be drained of water as weight of economic refugees to England causes geological shift.

The "Murphy" Tin Ear

The "Murphy" Tin Ear

Perfect for open air meetings, the "Tin Ear" utilises the latest  "torytech"  advanced software to ensure that the wearer can only hear approved or "safe" questions.

Compatible with existing "Brass Neck"  subscriptions.

Limited stock

"BellyFire" - Brain Fuel for Scary Speakers

A recipe as old as fear itself.

If you have a idea that's hard to defend.

If the facts leave you on a "sticky wicket".

If the sight and sound of you speaking makes listeners and watchers worry about your health.

If even your friends find it hard to say nice things about you.

If you just need help.

"BellyFire"  is a Highland themed liquor which guarantees you have plenty of the sparky verbal aggression and deflective shoutiness  which ensures that reasoned argument will never be required.

A secret handed down from generation to generation the recipe for "BellyFire" is kept safely under lock and key in a Highland  "But 'n Ben" styled safety deposit box in London.

Distilled from pure hogwash, local - just like Scottish - authentic tap water, and refined British schmaltz "BellyFire" gives even the most lacklustre speaker the power to dissemble for Britain!

100% unnatural flavourings provide the unique flavours of "BellyFire". Rare herbs and aromatic plants  are sourced from across the wastelands of Scotland for use in the secret "BellyFire" process.

Traditional herbs and little known plants such as Dog Whistle,  Snakeshead, Blue Weed, Nodding Thistles, Slippery Elm, Donkey Ear, Devils Eyebrows, Brassy Farthing and Slippery Nothing are carefully gathered by our bused in paid volunteers and the extracts carefully utilised to provide the distinctive flavours of "BellyFire".

Exclusive - "BellyFire"  Highland themed liquor is available only from the Scottish Scaremonger.

Limited stock - order today to avoid disappointment.

Health and Fitness Special Offer - Run On The Bank!

RUN ON THE BANK!

With so much talk of economic meltdown and currency crisis after a Yes vote you won't want to miss the opportunity to combine keeping fit with securing the pound in your pocket.

These exclusive "Run On The Bank" cross trainers will help you step up to the challenge of keeping your precious pounds safe and staying healthy.

A stylish "I'm alright (Union) Jack" design will get you noticed by the frantic crowds at the cash machine while you make off briskly with your valuable pounds.

Order your exclusive Scaremonger "Run On The Bank" trainers today and get a head start!

Commonwealth Games Special

Scary Sports Day

A Scaremonger day out for all the family

Special independence referendum themed sporting events

Great prizes on offer 

Planned events include;

• The Rory Stewart 75 mile wall walk 
• Asymmetrical Power Bars
• Straw Man Challenge
• The Jam Tomorrow Steeplechase (obstacles sponsored by the House of Lords)
• Slippery Lipstick on a Pig Wrestling
• Insurmountable Hurdles 
• Mud Slinging
• 20m Leap in the Dark
• 100m Dash for Shale Gas
• 4x100m Rely on subsidies from England

Sign up today and claim a special "twin-face" saltire/union flag t-shirt.

Pop Up Think Tank

 Pop Up Think Tank! - A Scaremonger exclusive product

A forward facing and innovative approach to concept credibility and public affairs profile challenges.

Solution focused and stress tested for simple and flexible media centred response to rapidly changing campaign environments.

Intensive multi-discipline deployment of neo-linguistic terminology in standard technical and academic style books.

J.A.R.G.O.N. - Our unique and powerful software* delivers fast results.

A rolling faculty of referable and pseudo-quality academic support provides supportive narrative commentary in media ready segmentation. Our imaginative group provide rapid response counter factual lines to deflect sceptical questioning using our "double bluff" mega-database of near facts.

• Step 1: Select a "research" area from a pick-list which includes: Defence in A Dangerous World, Shrinking Currency Options, Managing Hydrocarbon Stock Decline, EU Relations, Border Security and Mass Immigration.
• Step 2: Use the Creator toolkit to select an impressive and impartial sounding academic title for your Think Tank. Recent creations include "Dynamic Thought Scotland", "Centre for Innovative Concepts", "International Debate In Oil Trading Security", "Foundation of Organised Learning Scotland".
• Step 3: Use the "Generate Report" tools to create your impartial study that appears to undermine the case for independence together with press release templates styled for a variety of mainstream media outlets.
• Step 4: Repeat ad nauseam

Pop Up Think Tank! is only available to Scaremonger Private Commercial subscribers

Pop Up Think Tank! can be used in conjunction with the forthcoming VNB Reverse Logic Engine to create even more terrifying projections.

* Just Allocates Really Grim Official Names

Euro Election Souvenir Special

Euro Election Commemorative Headgear

The ideal gift for the UKIP blowhard in your life!

A hat that captures the spirit of the age!

Perfect for posh loudmouths everywhere

Special Offer: Order your commemorative "blowhard" hat today and the Scaremonger will add a quote from new Scottish MEP David Coburn to the inner rim. Choose from "err", "umm" and "I'm rather tired - I can't think of one just now" 

EXCLUSIVE!

Check out this exclusive clip from our new training video series aimed at Better Together activists.

Gardeners Special

SPRING OFFERS FOR THE GARDEN

With the first shoots of spring the thoughts of all good gardeners  turn to preparing for the season ahead. The Scaremonger has a numbers of special offers which our regulars will really "dig"

Garden Equipment

• Traditional Watering Can't: our special design keeps things under control
• Border Fencing: keep unwanted pests out with this easily erected fencing
• Wellington Boots: perfect for trampling green shoots
• "Westminster" Troughs: all sizes 
• Flexible Hose: perfect for watering down things
• Whitewash: also available in Brown
• The "Cridland" garden spade: you won't be able to stop digging with one of these!
• High Stakes: ideal for leading things on
• The "Massie" Scarifier: an old name back for another season
• Lone-Furrow Plough: 
• Johann+Anas No. 2 Compost: only available in size XL 
• Migrant Bird Scarer: keep those unwelcome visitors away
• Astro-Turf: almost as good as the real thing

Plants

• Perennial Climbers: various varieties available
• Climbing Mysteria "Foulkes" : Long lasting and clings hard to any greasy surface. Needs regular watering and likes to be dug in with manure.
• 'Our Lamont Rose'. Not hardy. Prefers deep shade. Its faintest tones of almost imperceptible pink set off perfectly the rich Cameron Blues and custard Yellow Cleggs in this season's unique Referendum Rose Garden. Thornless and unobtrusive, the specially created Lamont Rose has a delicate flower but its sickly scent will attract the increasingly rare Brit-gnat moth to the garden. These tend to gather on it to feed and lay their eggs. 
• Long Grass: decorative and practical grass to hide a multitude of gardening sins

Order today and get your first delivery of 2015 season "Scorched Earth" half price  

The "Lord George" Gentleman's Overcoat

 

A coat for all seasons

A coat for the sophisticated "man-about-town"

A coat for the glamourous international traveller

The "Lord George" is a traditionally styled gentleman's overcoat. Tailored to the exacting standards of the Scaremonger it is guaranteed to be both comfortable and practical. Packed with useful features, a man with a "Lord George" has no need of friends.

The "Lord George" features include;

• Made from 100% recycled woolsack
• Double cross stitching throughout
• Extra-Deep dodgy donor pockets
• Genuine "Getina" flap for outside pockets
• Deterrence security pocket (negotiable)
• Reinforced lifetime guaranteed safe-seat
• Genuine weasel fur collar
• Made from traditional cloth "worsted" for wear 
• Non-working cuffs
• Double-Faced lined pockets
• Jaquard weave lining featuring extracts from Burns - Ye see yon birkie, ca'd a lord, Wha struts, an' stares, an' a' that; Tho' hundreds worship at his word, He's but a coof for a' that:

Available in the following colours: Future Black, Stone Dead, Outlook Grey

Orders Now Being Taken

Delivery : TBC (not guaranteed)

The "Indy-Monstered" Kit

Don't miss out on this Scaremonger Special Offer!

Did you feel left out when you read about your colleagues being "monstered"?

Want to convince voters and the media that you are being hounded by unknown enemies?

Not sure where to begin because in fact you are under no harassment or genuine threat at all?

The new Scaremonger "Indy-Monstered" kit contains everything you will need to convince the credulous that you are the victim of a series of vicious online and nearly physical attacks.

Each "Indy-Monstered" kit contains;

• A lifelike "frit-face" latex mask.
• An "I've been monstered" regulation hoodie with a large capacity "big-head" hood.
• A set of red, white and blue Stoopster braces to pull the shoulders down into a cowering hunch.
• A make up kit to ensure that you have the grey and haunted face of a victim.
• A sheet of realistic 2"x4" pro-indy stickers with provocative slogans such as "Yes - 2014" to put on your door or window.
• A professionally written press release - complete with quotes - "it's time for the Yes campaign to call off their attack dogs" and "this is the dark underside of the independence campaign".

Order "Indy-Monstered" today and claim your free twitter abuse*

*twitter abuse is guaranteed to consist of one mildly critical tweet using an abusive term such as fool, idiot or chancer. 

The Scaremonger Paint Range

The Scaremonger in association with world famous decorative consultant Naymor Oyal 

The "NaySayer" Paint Range

Choosing the best colours for the rooms in your home is the key in any successful decorative scheme That choice can be a challenge and especially so when you need to steer clear of  the bright, sunshine tones that can encourage dangerous domestic optimism.

Our "Naysayer" range, developed under the guidance of famed decorative consultant Naymor Oyal makes a unique spectrum of colours available which will put a scowl on the face of even the most demanding scarier.

The "Naysayer" Paint Range includes the following exciting new colours;

Black Affronted

Scotch Mist

Crushed Thistle

Lost Marble

Old Fossil

Jam Tomorrow

Volatile Petrol

Churlish Sage

London Gold

No Battleship Grey

Incandescent Brown

Straw Man

Uncertain Beige

Stormy Weather

Urban Blight

Very Pale Red

Blue Dream

Mess of Pottage 

Trench Foot

Lost Coal