Better Together's Greatest Hits 

In store now. All your favourites are here:

* Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

* Scaremonger

* Scots Wha Havnae

*Sleepwalking

* Brigadoom

* Scotland The Feart

* Ode to the Deep Fried Mars Bar

* D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

* If You Leave Me Now

* Wake Up Alone

* Fright Song

* Border Song

Royal Mail Special Offer

Stamp on Uncertainty!

Worried about postal costs after independence?
Concerned that you won't be able to send letters to your cousin in Chelsea or your auntie in Ascot?

The Scaremonger has a new service available which will offer reassurance and deliver the all important certainty you need.  Our new  "tartan mail" scheme allows you to pre-plan postage for your letters and packages for the day after independence. Just like at present where the costs of UK postage in the future are unknown our "tartan mail" ensures that you can't know the future cost of postage in an independent Scotland with the same degree of uncertainty.

Sign up to our "tartan mail" service and we'll send you fully redeemable* vouchers which we can guarantee you may be able to use to exchange for stamps**

£1.00 buys a voucher worth £1.00. After independence you can return your voucher to the Scaremonger "tartan mail" exchange centre*** and we will send you the equivalent value of postage stamps. No fuss, no complicated forms to fill in.

Postage cost planning made simple!



*subject to terms and conditions yet to be confirmed
**cost of postage stamps may vary
***a 15% handling charge will be applied

 

The Poll-A-Rater

Fed up of commissioning opinion polls which come back with the “wrong” results?

Need a helpful opinion poll result to back up your scare stories?

Are your voters losing their fear of change?

You need our new “Poll-A-Rater”!

The “Poll-A-Rater” can deliver worrying data – instantly. Now you can have confidence shaking results designed to match your requirements. We use a series of carefully designed statistical weighting algorithms to ensure that you get the results you need.

With the “Poll-A-Rater” you’ll be able to back up your unsubstantiated falsehoods with apparently supportive data – reams of it!

You’ll be able to;

· confirm high levels of concern over imaginary problems

· detect low levels of confidence in the answers to unanswerable questions

· create hypothetical fears over tendentious propositions

· combine small worries into single overwhelming terrors

The“Poll-A-Rater” also comes complete with lots of complex tables which will help prove that your conclusions are fully supported by the data – whatever they are!

You can also upgrade to the Black is White executive package get even more misleading answers to the questions no one is asking.

Safety Equipment

 

The “Cochers” Positivity+ Meter

Instantly detects dangerous levels of positivity

Operates blindly across a range of positive indicators

Unique “Banshee” warning system

Early warning of these deadly types of positivity;

• Optimism
• Confidence
• Certainty
• Enthusiasm
• Trust
• Idealism
• Hopefulness
• Buoyancy

…and many, many more.

The “Cochers”Positivity +Meter will alert you to the presence of many of the most common types of hopeful anticipation allowing rapid counter measures to be put in place.

The “Cochers”Positivity +Meter combines the traditional skills of the artisan doomsayer with the latest new technology create a device that could prevent unnecessary positivism in the workplace or home.

“Where there is Hope, may we bring Despair”

Personal Therapy

Stressed? Overwrought?  Decision Making Skills Poor? Run out of Ideas? Can't face going out the door in the morning?

Perhaps you just need to stop.

Perhaps you need to step away from the questions you just can’t answer.

Perhaps you need to book a course of “Lamont Therapy”

Book into our exclusive  facility and we guarantee;

No calls

No emails

No meetings

No conferences

There’s no need to say a word… There’s  no need to do anything.

The Lamont Therapy Centre….A break for everyone!

Exclusive Scaremonger Special Offer

NEW - SCOTTISH RADIO TIMES

Save 20% if you subscribe now!

Our new TV Listings magazine, Scottish Radio Times, is due to launch in early 2016. But the Scaremonger has negotiated a special subscription package. Sign up today and you’ll receive the first copy of the Scottish Radio Times ABSOLUTELY FREE!*

Scottish Radio Times will carry full listings of all the programmes available on the TV channel of an independent Scotland – A typical schedule such as;

8.30am: Breakfast : Porridge Updates and other oatmeal news from across Scotland
9am: Closedown
1pm: Film : Braveheart : Mel Gibsons famous historical docu-drama (repeated at 9.30pm)
3pm: Take the High Woad (new Braveheart-inspired soap opera about daily life in a late 13th century glen)
4pm: Film : Brigadoon : Gene Kellys famous musical docu-drama
6pm: Kids TV : Archie and Hamish ; the sock puppet twins discuss knitting patterns
6.30pm: Reporting Scotland : Your news from across Scotland. Citizen journalism at it finest.
6.50pm: Weather : A rain, hail, sleet and snow update
7pm: Live : Address to the Nation by Alex Salmond : The First Ministers nightly address to his people.
8pm: River City : Another chance to see the opening episode of the 2008 series
8.30pm: Documentary Hour : The Forth Bridge : Live streaming from the Forth Bridge Webcams
9.30pm: Film : Braveheart : Mel Gibsons famous historical docu-drama (repeated at Midnight)
11.30pm: Sportscene : Fishing highlights from Peterhead plus Renfrewshire Championship Dominos highlights of todays play from Paisleys Central Bar
12.00am: Film : Braveheart : Mel Gibsons famous historical docu-drama (repeated at 4am)
2am: Closedown

So don’t delay – subscribe today and guarantee your copy of Scotland’s soon to be finest listings magazine.

*Subject to availability. Delivery charges may apply (postage rates to be confirmed). Mon-Sat Standard delivery to mainland postcodes only (excludes postcodes starting A-Z) Island delivery every 3rd Tuesday in alternate months (subject to tidal conditions)

SHAKE-AWAKE

Food Supplements : New Arrivals

Lies not big enough!

Girls laugh at your weedy arguments?

Embarrassed by your visible support?

You need  SHAKE-AWAKE  by the Scaremonger.

Our patented SHAKE-AWAKE  supplement will bulk out your tall tales and fill out those under-developed scares.  SHAKE-AWAKE  will have you pumping out tommy-rot on defence, spinning nonsense about the NHS, garbage on Europe and lifting the lid on Currency baloney.

The SHAKE-AWAKE  diet couldn’t be simpler;

A “ tasteless” shake for breakfast. 

A portion of “dry boak” for lunch. 

An under-nourishing bowl of “thin gruel” in the evening.

SHAKE-AWAKE  has been extensively tested by the Better Together network and is proven to deliver increased mendacity and raised levels of shroud waving.