Pop Up Think Tank

 Pop Up Think Tank! - A Scaremonger exclusive product

A forward facing and innovative approach to concept credibility and public affairs profile challenges.

Solution focused and stress tested for simple and flexible media centred response to rapidly changing campaign environments.

Intensive multi-discipline deployment of neo-linguistic terminology in standard technical and academic style books.

J.A.R.G.O.N. - Our unique and powerful software* delivers fast results.

A rolling faculty of referable and pseudo-quality academic support provides supportive narrative commentary in media ready segmentation. Our imaginative group provide rapid response counter factual lines to deflect sceptical questioning using our "double bluff" mega-database of near facts.

• Step 1: Select a "research" area from a pick-list which includes: Defence in A Dangerous World, Shrinking Currency Options, Managing Hydrocarbon Stock Decline, EU Relations, Border Security and Mass Immigration.
• Step 2: Use the Creator toolkit to select an impressive and impartial sounding academic title for your Think Tank. Recent creations include "Dynamic Thought Scotland", "Centre for Innovative Concepts", "International Debate In Oil Trading Security", "Foundation of Organised Learning Scotland".
• Step 3: Use the "Generate Report" tools to create your impartial study that appears to undermine the case for independence together with press release templates styled for a variety of mainstream media outlets.
• Step 4: Repeat ad nauseam

Pop Up Think Tank! is only available to Scaremonger Private Commercial subscribers

Pop Up Think Tank! can be used in conjunction with the forthcoming VNB Reverse Logic Engine to create even more terrifying projections.

* Just Allocates Really Grim Official Names

Euro Election Souvenir Special

Euro Election Commemorative Headgear

The ideal gift for the UKIP blowhard in your life!

A hat that captures the spirit of the age!

Perfect for posh loudmouths everywhere

Special Offer: Order your commemorative "blowhard" hat today and the Scaremonger will add a quote from new Scottish MEP David Coburn to the inner rim. Choose from "err", "umm" and "I'm rather tired - I can't think of one just now" 

EXCLUSIVE!

Check out this exclusive clip from our new training video series aimed at Better Together activists.

Gardeners Special

SPRING OFFERS FOR THE GARDEN

With the first shoots of spring the thoughts of all good gardeners  turn to preparing for the season ahead. The Scaremonger has a numbers of special offers which our regulars will really "dig"

Garden Equipment

• Traditional Watering Can't: our special design keeps things under control
• Border Fencing: keep unwanted pests out with this easily erected fencing
• Wellington Boots: perfect for trampling green shoots
• "Westminster" Troughs: all sizes 
• Flexible Hose: perfect for watering down things
• Whitewash: also available in Brown
• The "Cridland" garden spade: you won't be able to stop digging with one of these!
• High Stakes: ideal for leading things on
• The "Massie" Scarifier: an old name back for another season
• Lone-Furrow Plough: 
• Johann+Anas No. 2 Compost: only available in size XL 
• Migrant Bird Scarer: keep those unwelcome visitors away
• Astro-Turf: almost as good as the real thing

Plants

• Perennial Climbers: various varieties available
• Climbing Mysteria "Foulkes" : Long lasting and clings hard to any greasy surface. Needs regular watering and likes to be dug in with manure.
• 'Our Lamont Rose'. Not hardy. Prefers deep shade. Its faintest tones of almost imperceptible pink set off perfectly the rich Cameron Blues and custard Yellow Cleggs in this season's unique Referendum Rose Garden. Thornless and unobtrusive, the specially created Lamont Rose has a delicate flower but its sickly scent will attract the increasingly rare Brit-gnat moth to the garden. These tend to gather on it to feed and lay their eggs. 
• Long Grass: decorative and practical grass to hide a multitude of gardening sins

Order today and get your first delivery of 2015 season "Scorched Earth" half price  

The "Lord George" Gentleman's Overcoat

 

A coat for all seasons

A coat for the sophisticated "man-about-town"

A coat for the glamourous international traveller

The "Lord George" is a traditionally styled gentleman's overcoat. Tailored to the exacting standards of the Scaremonger it is guaranteed to be both comfortable and practical. Packed with useful features, a man with a "Lord George" has no need of friends.

The "Lord George" features include;

• Made from 100% recycled woolsack
• Double cross stitching throughout
• Extra-Deep dodgy donor pockets
• Genuine "Getina" flap for outside pockets
• Deterrence security pocket (negotiable)
• Reinforced lifetime guaranteed safe-seat
• Genuine weasel fur collar
• Made from traditional cloth "worsted" for wear 
• Non-working cuffs
• Double-Faced lined pockets
• Jaquard weave lining featuring extracts from Burns - Ye see yon birkie, ca'd a lord, Wha struts, an' stares, an' a' that; Tho' hundreds worship at his word, He's but a coof for a' that:

Available in the following colours: Future Black, Stone Dead, Outlook Grey

Orders Now Being Taken

Delivery : TBC (not guaranteed)

The "Indy-Monstered" Kit

Don't miss out on this Scaremonger Special Offer!

Did you feel left out when you read about your colleagues being "monstered"?

Want to convince voters and the media that you are being hounded by unknown enemies?

Not sure where to begin because in fact you are under no harassment or genuine threat at all?

The new Scaremonger "Indy-Monstered" kit contains everything you will need to convince the credulous that you are the victim of a series of vicious online and nearly physical attacks.

Each "Indy-Monstered" kit contains;

• A lifelike "frit-face" latex mask.
• An "I've been monstered" regulation hoodie with a large capacity "big-head" hood.
• A set of red, white and blue Stoopster braces to pull the shoulders down into a cowering hunch.
• A make up kit to ensure that you have the grey and haunted face of a victim.
• A sheet of realistic 2"x4" pro-indy stickers with provocative slogans such as "Yes - 2014" to put on your door or window.
• A professionally written press release - complete with quotes - "it's time for the Yes campaign to call off their attack dogs" and "this is the dark underside of the independence campaign".

Order "Indy-Monstered" today and claim your free twitter abuse*

*twitter abuse is guaranteed to consist of one mildly critical tweet using an abusive term such as fool, idiot or chancer. 

The Scaremonger Paint Range

The Scaremonger in association with world famous decorative consultant Naymor Oyal 

The "NaySayer" Paint Range

Choosing the best colours for the rooms in your home is the key in any successful decorative scheme That choice can be a challenge and especially so when you need to steer clear of  the bright, sunshine tones that can encourage dangerous domestic optimism.

Our "Naysayer" range, developed under the guidance of famed decorative consultant Naymor Oyal makes a unique spectrum of colours available which will put a scowl on the face of even the most demanding scarier.

The "Naysayer" Paint Range includes the following exciting new colours;

Black Affronted

Scotch Mist

Crushed Thistle

Lost Marble

Old Fossil

Jam Tomorrow

Volatile Petrol

Churlish Sage

London Gold

No Battleship Grey

Incandescent Brown

Straw Man

Uncertain Beige

Stormy Weather

Urban Blight

Very Pale Red

Blue Dream

Mess of Pottage 

Trench Foot

Lost Coal