2014 Desk Calendar - cancelled

Please note that the special edition 2014 "Page-a-Day" Desk Calendar has had to be cancelled.

The Calendar was to have featured a positive argument for the Union on each page but unfortunately the writing team failed to get beyond the first week of January.

We are hoping to substitute a commemorative first day cover postage stamp but are awaiting further copy for the reverse of the stamp before proceeding.

Dissonance Meter

Confirm confusing dissonance instantly  with the Scaremonger Media Dissonance Meter

The Media Dissonance Meter is an essential desktop companion for anyone reading modern newspapers.  Using the latest technology this clever hand held device can instantly alert the reader to reports where the headline and story say contradictory things.

Just scan the page using the Media Dissonance Meter and the LCD display will  show the level of dissonance.  Extensive testing has shown exposure to high levels of dissonance can adversely affect understanding and judgement leaving readers confused and liable to catastrophic misapprehension.

Demand for the Media Dissonance Meter is certain to be high so register your interest today and we'll contact you as soon as stocks are available.

Price : TBC

Dearie Me! (The search for Scotland's Black Hole)

Join us at the launch of the latest book under the "Scottish Scaremonger" imprint;

Dearie Me! ( The search for Scotland's Black Hole )

Fictional author M. Hamish Glen will be available to sign copies of his latest book which traces the history of thevsearch for Scotland's legendary fiscal black hole.

The full story of the development of the Large Haud-On Colluder is explored as successive Westminster governments and Scottish Secretaries laboured against all the odds to prove the existence of the Twigs Bunkum Particle.

All the drama of the search for the Twigs Bunkum Particle is captured as time and again the discovery of a Black Hole was announced only for the  "breakthrough" to be debunked within hours.

Although the search continues to this day despite increasing evidence that there is actually no black hole at all  Dearie Me! ( The search for Scotland's Black Hole ) is an invaluable companion for all students of one of Scotland's most enduring myths.

Book launch date : TBC

The Scaremonger Phrase Book

Essential for any traveller to Spain the Scaremonger "BT"  Spanish-English phrase book will ensure that misunderstandings are kept to a minimum. With a special emphasis on common political topics it's an essential volume for parliamentarians and spin doctors.

Common phrases translated include;

Hay no problemo = That's not possible

Vamos a hablar de ello = Negotiations will take years

Mandato democratico =  SNP dictatorship

Vuelva usted manana y le daremos mermalada = We will deliver a package of new powers.

Esta es la respuesta que buscas = That's just not credible!

Saludos desde junkie subsidio Escocia. ¿Nos puede ayudar a permanecer de esa manera? = The Conservatives have not asked the Spanish Government to undermine the independence campaign

El gobierno español va a respetar el resultado del referéndum acordado = Spain will veto Scotland's entry to the EU

And many, many more!

Future editions include;
Irish English - BBC Newscast Abbreviated English
Non Specific EU - Definitive EU Negative

The Scaremonger Post Indy Shopping Bag

 The Scaremonger Lifetime Shopping Bag!

Worried about soaring food costs after Independence?

Unsure how to get your precious foods home safely?

The Scaremonger Lifetime Shopping Bag is a sturdy reusable shopping bag
specially designed for use in the apocalyptic post independence shopping environment

Tough construction - will withstand turnip and potato abrasion easily
Strong "torytech" handles - super grip to prevent "beggar grabbing incidents
Smart special porridge and cabbage pockets keep these expensive luxuries safe
Practical* a built in calculator and converter lets you see how much prices have risen since independence
Fashionable available in a wide range of colours including grey, brown and off-cream
Personal your bag can be customised with a range of slogans such as;
"Don't blame me I voted No" and "Not a Daily Mail reader - honestly!"

We expect a big rush for these exclusive bags so order today!



*requires 12 hours exposure to sunlight to charge.

The Cameron Buchan Accent Regulator

The Cameron Buchan Accent Regulator

Worried that your inauthentically Scots accent may be holding you back?

Concerned that you are too easily mistaken for an unwelcome continental?

Now you too can have a Scottish accent - at the touch of a button!

Using patent-pending torytech innovation the Cameron Buchan Accent Regulator can transform your mangled foreign pronunciations into authentic and Better Together approved patriotic Scots tongue.

Real Scots need a Reel accent!

Choose from;
Glasgow "parliamo"
Edinburgh "Brodie" or "Begbie"
Border "Reiver"
Hint of Gaelic
Northern Isles basic Up Helly Aa
Invernessian "Fesh Sapper"
Dundonian "peh"
Fife "Methil-ated Spirit"

and many more!

The Cameron Buchan Accent regulator is cleverly concealed within a traditionally styled and typically Scottish bushy moustache (just like Paw Broon) so that you can mingle in any business or social setting with complete confidence. The device is available in three patriotically Scottish colours as well, Sullen Broon, Ginger Nut and RedWhiteandBlue!

Order today and get the Darling Filthy Groat Detector half price!

Pocket Battleship

No need to worry about your seaborne defence capability with the latest Scaremonger product range,  PaperNavy!

A few quick folds and you can be launching the latest addition to your impressive fleet for sea trials. Construction schedules for your vessels can be surprisingly quick and even the most advance warships can be built in less time that it takes for a pirate to hoist his Jolly Roger.

A full range of warships is available including;

Typeface 26 Destroyer

"Lamont" Class Easy-sink Submarine

"Baillie"  Heavy Cruiser

"Rennie" Lightweight Cruiser

"Davidson" Unsure Patrol Craft

plus many more!

PaperNavy! comes in handy A3, A4 and A5 versions so there's a PaperNavy! for every budget. All the family can help build your new PaperNavy! Mum, Dad and the kids can all help create the new naval task force. Remember that after you've built your ships you can have almost as much fun choosing the names for your PaperNavy! 

So "Come Aboard" and it'll be "Anchors Aweigh" for your new foldable fighting force.

Better Together's Greatest Hits 

In store now. All your favourites are here:

* Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

* Scaremonger

* Scots Wha Havnae

*Sleepwalking

* Brigadoom

* Scotland The Feart

* Ode to the Deep Fried Mars Bar

* D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

* If You Leave Me Now

* Wake Up Alone

* Fright Song

* Border Song

Royal Mail Special Offer

Stamp on Uncertainty!

Worried about postal costs after independence?
Concerned that you won't be able to send letters to your cousin in Chelsea or your auntie in Ascot?

The Scaremonger has a new service available which will offer reassurance and deliver the all important certainty you need.  Our new  "tartan mail" scheme allows you to pre-plan postage for your letters and packages for the day after independence. Just like at present where the costs of UK postage in the future are unknown our "tartan mail" ensures that you can't know the future cost of postage in an independent Scotland with the same degree of uncertainty.

Sign up to our "tartan mail" service and we'll send you fully redeemable* vouchers which we can guarantee you may be able to use to exchange for stamps**

£1.00 buys a voucher worth £1.00. After independence you can return your voucher to the Scaremonger "tartan mail" exchange centre*** and we will send you the equivalent value of postage stamps. No fuss, no complicated forms to fill in.

Postage cost planning made simple!



*subject to terms and conditions yet to be confirmed
**cost of postage stamps may vary
***a 15% handling charge will be applied

 

The Poll-A-Rater

Fed up of commissioning opinion polls which come back with the “wrong” results?

Need a helpful opinion poll result to back up your scare stories?

Are your voters losing their fear of change?

You need our new “Poll-A-Rater”!

The “Poll-A-Rater” can deliver worrying data – instantly. Now you can have confidence shaking results designed to match your requirements. We use a series of carefully designed statistical weighting algorithms to ensure that you get the results you need.

With the “Poll-A-Rater” you’ll be able to back up your unsubstantiated falsehoods with apparently supportive data – reams of it!

You’ll be able to;

· confirm high levels of concern over imaginary problems

· detect low levels of confidence in the answers to unanswerable questions

· create hypothetical fears over tendentious propositions

· combine small worries into single overwhelming terrors

The“Poll-A-Rater” also comes complete with lots of complex tables which will help prove that your conclusions are fully supported by the data – whatever they are!

You can also upgrade to the Black is White executive package get even more misleading answers to the questions no one is asking.

Safety Equipment

 

The “Cochers” Positivity+ Meter

Instantly detects dangerous levels of positivity

Operates blindly across a range of positive indicators

Unique “Banshee” warning system

Early warning of these deadly types of positivity;

• Optimism
• Confidence
• Certainty
• Enthusiasm
• Trust
• Idealism
• Hopefulness
• Buoyancy

…and many, many more.

The “Cochers”Positivity +Meter will alert you to the presence of many of the most common types of hopeful anticipation allowing rapid counter measures to be put in place.

The “Cochers”Positivity +Meter combines the traditional skills of the artisan doomsayer with the latest new technology create a device that could prevent unnecessary positivism in the workplace or home.

“Where there is Hope, may we bring Despair”

Personal Therapy

Stressed? Overwrought?  Decision Making Skills Poor? Run out of Ideas? Can't face going out the door in the morning?

Perhaps you just need to stop.

Perhaps you need to step away from the questions you just can’t answer.

Perhaps you need to book a course of “Lamont Therapy”

Book into our exclusive  facility and we guarantee;

No calls

No emails

No meetings

No conferences

There’s no need to say a word… There’s  no need to do anything.

The Lamont Therapy Centre….A break for everyone!

Exclusive Scaremonger Special Offer

NEW - SCOTTISH RADIO TIMES

Save 20% if you subscribe now!

Our new TV Listings magazine, Scottish Radio Times, is due to launch in early 2016. But the Scaremonger has negotiated a special subscription package. Sign up today and you’ll receive the first copy of the Scottish Radio Times ABSOLUTELY FREE!*

Scottish Radio Times will carry full listings of all the programmes available on the TV channel of an independent Scotland – A typical schedule such as;

8.30am: Breakfast : Porridge Updates and other oatmeal news from across Scotland
9am: Closedown
1pm: Film : Braveheart : Mel Gibsons famous historical docu-drama (repeated at 9.30pm)
3pm: Take the High Woad (new Braveheart-inspired soap opera about daily life in a late 13th century glen)
4pm: Film : Brigadoon : Gene Kellys famous musical docu-drama
6pm: Kids TV : Archie and Hamish ; the sock puppet twins discuss knitting patterns
6.30pm: Reporting Scotland : Your news from across Scotland. Citizen journalism at it finest.
6.50pm: Weather : A rain, hail, sleet and snow update
7pm: Live : Address to the Nation by Alex Salmond : The First Ministers nightly address to his people.
8pm: River City : Another chance to see the opening episode of the 2008 series
8.30pm: Documentary Hour : The Forth Bridge : Live streaming from the Forth Bridge Webcams
9.30pm: Film : Braveheart : Mel Gibsons famous historical docu-drama (repeated at Midnight)
11.30pm: Sportscene : Fishing highlights from Peterhead plus Renfrewshire Championship Dominos highlights of todays play from Paisleys Central Bar
12.00am: Film : Braveheart : Mel Gibsons famous historical docu-drama (repeated at 4am)
2am: Closedown

So don’t delay – subscribe today and guarantee your copy of Scotland’s soon to be finest listings magazine.

*Subject to availability. Delivery charges may apply (postage rates to be confirmed). Mon-Sat Standard delivery to mainland postcodes only (excludes postcodes starting A-Z) Island delivery every 3rd Tuesday in alternate months (subject to tidal conditions)

SHAKE-AWAKE

Food Supplements : New Arrivals

Lies not big enough!

Girls laugh at your weedy arguments?

Embarrassed by your visible support?

You need  SHAKE-AWAKE  by the Scaremonger.

Our patented SHAKE-AWAKE  supplement will bulk out your tall tales and fill out those under-developed scares.  SHAKE-AWAKE  will have you pumping out tommy-rot on defence, spinning nonsense about the NHS, garbage on Europe and lifting the lid on Currency baloney.

The SHAKE-AWAKE  diet couldn’t be simpler;

A “ tasteless” shake for breakfast. 

A portion of “dry boak” for lunch. 

An under-nourishing bowl of “thin gruel” in the evening.

SHAKE-AWAKE  has been extensively tested by the Better Together network and is proven to deliver increased mendacity and raised levels of shroud waving.

An Amazing Dental Care Breakthrough!

Now Available in our Pharmacy Department

Our new own brand “Scaremonger”  Insensitive Gentle Frightening truthpaste 

The Scaremonger Tooth-Team of pseudo scientists have spent minutes developing this special anti-fact formulation suitable for all the family. 

Use  Insensitive Gentle Frightening truthpaste daily to maintain that special “Ring of Uncertainty” and to protect you and your family from dangerous free radical bacteria in the political environment.

 Insensitive Gentle Frightening truthpaste supports unhelpful hysteria and suppresses damaging positivity.

The Red, Blue and Yellow stripes of Insensitive Gentle Frightening truthpaste contain genuine Indistinguishium and provide a uniform layer of truth resistant coating which can protect you and your family from excessive optimism, confidence and inspiration. 

Insensitive  - just in case there’s something out there to make you smile!

Alistair's Their Darling

The Scaremonger is proud to announce the opening of our new Scary Song Shop.
Traditional tunes and new compositions  - with a message, Our first offering is a
celebratory ditty to commemorate the togetherness of Labour and Conservative
one day in June.

Alistair's their Darling, their Darling, their Darling.
Alistair's their Darling, Greeted with a cheer.

He knows just how to work the hall,
And what they like to hear.
Droning on and on and on,
Dealing out the fear.

Alistair's their Darling, their Darling, their Darling.
Alistair's their Darling, Talking out his rear.

He says Wee Eck's the biggest threat,
That children are not safe,
Unless we're in the mothership,
The kindly British state.

Alistair's their Darling, their Darling, their Darling.
Alistair's their Darling, Dealing out the fear.

For Scotland is a basket case,
Full of fools and clowns.
Trusted with the little things,
Told not to make a sound.

Alistair's their Darling etc.

There's No Time to Lose!

NEW IN!  

The Referendum Countdown Wallclock!

Unlike other fussy countdown clocks, no need to set the time and date or faff about checking up on how long's left till Doomsday. With our unique product it's always one minute to midnight.

ONLY (you've guessed it!) £23.59 p+p incl!

Analogue version also available but due to our special fixed time mechanism there's no more of those irritating ticks or tocks!


Choose from a range of terrifying clockface backgrounds featuring typical warmongering, independence supporters: Mahatma Gandhi, Alex Salmond, Patrick Harvie, the Dalai Lama, Nicola Sturgeon, Colin Fox, Alan Cumming, Elaine C. Smith and many, many more!

As used in the offices of BBC Scotland, The Scotsman, The Daily Record, The Times, The Telegraph etc etc. 

Matching wristwatch also available (as modelled by Alan Cochrane, Andrew Neil and Magnus Gardham) for only £23.59!  SPECIAL OFFER - buy the countdown clock and watch together and we'll give you one of our prize-winning Scaremonger Shrouds FREE!!  The chest of our shrouds is emblazoned with the inspiring Scaremonger slogan: "Too wee, too poor, too stupid. Since 1707".
(Only one size available - too wee).
 

T.A.M. The Acronym Machine

 Acronym Agony Solved

No more struggling to find that perfect acronym now that our crack team of boffins has perfected this high tech solution. Simply punch in the wordor name you want to use and the T.A.M generates the perfect acronym. Recent examples include;

TAVISH SCOTT - Twists Any Victory Into Sweeping Humiliation. Some Call Out Total Turnip
DARLING - Does Anyone Really Listen? It's Nonsensical Guff.
JACKIE BAILLIE - Joins Every Calumny Keenly. In Errors Bluster And Insanity Loom Large. Inevitably Excruciating.
FARAGE -Fool Arrives. Runs Away Grasping Excuses.
LAMONT- Looks Always Miserable On National Triumphs
MOORE - Muddy Opinions Or Repeated Excuses
SARWAR - Seriously! Any Rubbish Will Always Repeat
ED MILIBAND - Egregious Discourse. Mendacious Idiocy. Leader Is Benefits Axeman. Nefarious Dogmatism
JOHANN LAMONT - Joyless. Obviously Hopeless. Asinine Negativity. Nightmare Leadership. Apes Most Odious Neo-Thatcherites.

T.A.M. is available by special order only*


*price on application

Where's The Beef?

Opening soon...

The Scaremonger Bistro

Set menu for a newly Separate Scotland.

Starter
* Sullen Skink


Main courses
* Aberdeen Angus (T)rump Special - overdone, hormone-injected.
* Half-baked Lamont Sole.
* Succulent Lamb.
Dessert
* Milk & Honey


Er, that's it.

Foulkes for Men - Gentleman's Grooming Products

The debonair man-about-town, the sophisticated culture vulture, the intellectual firebrand and the  epicurean merchant of bonhomie all share a secret. A secret weapon that provides the patina of success;

Foulkes for Men

Yes, Foulkes for Men is our new and exclusive male grooming range.  A distillation of  years of experience, served up for the benefit of the Scaremongers loyal and discerning clientele you can order Foulkes for Men products now.

Range includes;
"Face Protector" (contains essence of bucolic)
"Hair Gel" (holds that fashionable, tousled look all day long)
"Multi-Perspirant"

Arriving Tomorrow!

We are delighted to announce that we anticipate receiving a delivery of  our special own-label jam tomorrow. Unfortunately we are unable to confirm which variety of jam will be delivered but we can assure all our regular customers that it will be their favourite flavour.

Save the day for your diary!

Jam tomorrow.

April Fuel Special Offer

Special Offer from Union Oil & Gas

A limited quantity of our extra-special North Sea oil is unexpectedly available to purchase. Union North Sea oil has a number of unique properties which make it an unmissable  opportunity. Union oil is  extracted in "barely-there" condition from below the waters of the North Sea and arrives on shore  in Scotland as virtually worthless sludge.  The local people actually pay us to take it off their hands!  Union Oil & Gas take this pointless material and apply our secret industrial process* (patent pending)  transforming it into valuable crude oil - just like that extracted in  countries like Norway, Venezuela or the Middle east. Union can then sell the oil on the open market and make a substantial profit on our investment of £0.00.

This is an amazing investment which has been returning substantial profits for over 40 years so be sure to apply today!*

*during our process the "Scottish oil" is renamed as "UK oil"....er ...that's it.
* investment applicants must not be resident in the following countries : Scotland, Alba, Caledonia

Just Kidding

VISIT OUR COMPLETELY REFURBISHED TOY DEPARTMENT!

Build your new, budget Scottish Armed Forces collection, as designed by our Master Modeller, General Philip Hammond OMG, LOL, KFC, MP

Your Army: 5 tin soldiers (if you can find any willing to sign up). A Tonka Tank Division (one Chieftan).

Your Air Force: a Sopwith Camel.

Your Navy: a Vital Spark. 

---------------------------------------------------

Also, coming soon...

Our Jurassic Park Range of Political Dinosaurs

 

 

Don't miss our "Nodding Dug"!
 
The  classic "Nodding Dug" (Alexanderspeak model) will brighten up any campaign.
Nuclear Weapons?  Yes Please!
Tuition Fees? Yes, Yes!
ID Cards?  Yes, Yes, Yes!
War in Iraq?  Anything You Say Sir!
Jam Tomorrow?   Oh Yes! You can have Jam tomorrow.

Going Fishing?? 

Organizing a fishing expedition to the Continent? The don't forget to visit our Country Sports department, where our experienced assistant Glen 'The Eel' Campbell will always be ready to go that extra mile in his efforts to discover the unvarnished truth about Scotland's EU membership in the event that the country votes 'Yes' to "leaving the UK". Ever wondered what the Latvian foreign minister's thoughts are on the subject? Or his Irish equivalent? Don't worry. Glen's been touring the capital cities of Europe and asking the right loaded questions of those foreign politicians. He'll push the boat out in his efforts to make your trip enjoyable by ensuring that you have the right gear, permits and passport information for when Scotland is cast fully adrift in the stormy seas of doubt and uncertainty by the Yes Campaign's unprincipled efforts to rip us out of Britain, divorcing us from friends and family, poisoning our rivers and laying waste to the land.

Sarwar's Almanac 2013 : credible predictions for the year ahead

* The No campaign will co-opt the Mayan elders as campaign advisers - their invaluable experience in doom-laden predictions will dovetail perfectly with our own balanced view of the dangers of Separation.

* The spirit of Nostradamus combined with the sage advice of UK Treasury mandarins will provide peer-reviewed evidence that Scotland's economy will immediately collapse and its people be condemned to eternal penury in the case of a Yes vote in 2014.

* The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will be employed for Better Together leaflet delivery (with a contract extension option for post-vote retribution).