SHAKE-AWAKE

Food Supplements : New Arrivals

Lies not big enough!

Girls laugh at your weedy arguments?

Embarrassed by your visible support?

You need  SHAKE-AWAKE  by the Scaremonger.

Our patented SHAKE-AWAKE  supplement will bulk out your tall tales and fill out those under-developed scares.  SHAKE-AWAKE  will have you pumping out tommy-rot on defence, spinning nonsense about the NHS, garbage on Europe and lifting the lid on Currency baloney.

The SHAKE-AWAKE  diet couldn’t be simpler;

A “ tasteless” shake for breakfast. 

A portion of “dry boak” for lunch. 

An under-nourishing bowl of “thin gruel” in the evening.

SHAKE-AWAKE  has been extensively tested by the Better Together network and is proven to deliver increased mendacity and raised levels of shroud waving.

An Amazing Dental Care Breakthrough!

Now Available in our Pharmacy Department

Our new own brand “Scaremonger”  Insensitive Gentle Frightening truthpaste 

The Scaremonger Tooth-Team of pseudo scientists have spent minutes developing this special anti-fact formulation suitable for all the family. 

Use  Insensitive Gentle Frightening truthpaste daily to maintain that special “Ring of Uncertainty” and to protect you and your family from dangerous free radical bacteria in the political environment.

 Insensitive Gentle Frightening truthpaste supports unhelpful hysteria and suppresses damaging positivity.

The Red, Blue and Yellow stripes of Insensitive Gentle Frightening truthpaste contain genuine Indistinguishium and provide a uniform layer of truth resistant coating which can protect you and your family from excessive optimism, confidence and inspiration. 

Insensitive  - just in case there’s something out there to make you smile!

Alistair's Their Darling

The Scaremonger is proud to announce the opening of our new Scary Song Shop.
Traditional tunes and new compositions  - with a message, Our first offering is a
celebratory ditty to commemorate the togetherness of Labour and Conservative
one day in June.

Alistair's their Darling, their Darling, their Darling.
Alistair's their Darling, Greeted with a cheer.

He knows just how to work the hall,
And what they like to hear.
Droning on and on and on,
Dealing out the fear.

Alistair's their Darling, their Darling, their Darling.
Alistair's their Darling, Talking out his rear.

He says Wee Eck's the biggest threat,
That children are not safe,
Unless we're in the mothership,
The kindly British state.

Alistair's their Darling, their Darling, their Darling.
Alistair's their Darling, Dealing out the fear.

For Scotland is a basket case,
Full of fools and clowns.
Trusted with the little things,
Told not to make a sound.

Alistair's their Darling etc.

There's No Time to Lose!

NEW IN!  

The Referendum Countdown Wallclock!

Unlike other fussy countdown clocks, no need to set the time and date or faff about checking up on how long's left till Doomsday. With our unique product it's always one minute to midnight.

ONLY (you've guessed it!) £23.59 p+p incl!

Analogue version also available but due to our special fixed time mechanism there's no more of those irritating ticks or tocks!


Choose from a range of terrifying clockface backgrounds featuring typical warmongering, independence supporters: Mahatma Gandhi, Alex Salmond, Patrick Harvie, the Dalai Lama, Nicola Sturgeon, Colin Fox, Alan Cumming, Elaine C. Smith and many, many more!

As used in the offices of BBC Scotland, The Scotsman, The Daily Record, The Times, The Telegraph etc etc. 

Matching wristwatch also available (as modelled by Alan Cochrane, Andrew Neil and Magnus Gardham) for only £23.59!  SPECIAL OFFER - buy the countdown clock and watch together and we'll give you one of our prize-winning Scaremonger Shrouds FREE!!  The chest of our shrouds is emblazoned with the inspiring Scaremonger slogan: "Too wee, too poor, too stupid. Since 1707".
(Only one size available - too wee).